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Silly Irish Jokes That Are Sure To Make You Laugh!
We all know the magical powers behind having a laugh, so we take a look at the best Irish jokes to make you giggle, a sampling of the famous Irish wit and wisdom.
Get ready to embrace the craic and let out some belly laughs with a collection of hilarious Irish jokes! The Irish are renowned for their wit and humor, and their jokes have traveled far and wide, spreading joy and laughter wherever they go. So sit back, grab a pint of Guinness (optional), and prepare to be tickled by these side-splitting silly Irish jokes that will leave you grinning like a leprechaun!
Enjoy!
Six Irish men were playing poker when one of them played a bad hand and died...
The rest drew straws to see who would tell his wife. One man draws the shortest straw and goes to his friend's house to tell the wife.
The man says to her, "Your husband lost some money in the poker game and is afraid to come home."
The wife says, "Tell him to drop dead!" The man responds, "I'll go tell him."
What's the difference between God and Bono?
God doesn't wander around Dublin thinking he's Bono.
U2 in Croke Park (RollingNews.Ie)
There are only three kinds of men who don't understand women...
Young men, old men, and middle-aged men.
Never iron a four-leaf clover...
You don't want to press your luck.
The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scots as a joke...
But the Scots haven't got the joke yet.
The Irish way...
Now don't be talking about yourself while you're here. We'll surely be doing that after you leave.
There you have it, a barrel full of laughs with these silly Irish jokes that are sure to brighten your day! The Irish have an incredible ability to find humor in everyday situations, and their jokes never fail to bring a smile to people's faces. So go ahead, share these jokes with your friends, family, and colleagues, and spread the Irish spirit of laughter far and wide.
Remember, a good joke is like a pot of gold—it's worth sharing with everyone!
Sláinte!
*Originally published in 2013. Updated in July 2023.
Irish Jokes Are Blend Of Wit, Truth; Local Residents Offer A Few
From left, Michael Glenn of Glenville, Tom Lawrence of Amsterdam and Maggie McNally of Albany (Jeff Wilkin photos) Mike Conners knows how to tell an Irish joke.
The Albany County comptroller's topics include self-assured rock star Bono, the way to heaven and the pope's red telephone line to God.
"What's the difference between Bono and God?" asked Conners, setting up the lead singer for Irish band U2 for a punch line. "God doesn't wander around Dublin thinking he's Bono."
Next up — Father Rooney's way to heaven, as taught to lads in North Albany.
"Father says, 'Murphy, do you want to go to heaven? Go stand over by that wall.' " Conners begins.
"So Murphy lines up by the wall at Sacred Heart Church. Then he says to O'Brien, 'You want to go to heaven?' And it's 'Yes, Father, I want to go to heaven.' Father says, 'OK, go stand over there by that wall.'
"He comes up to Conners and asks him if he wants to go to heaven, and Conners says, 'Well, no Father, I don't.' And Father says, 'You mean you don't want to go to heaven when you die?'
"And Conners says, 'Of course I want to go to heaven when I die. I thought you were getting a trip together now!"
Mike's on a roll. One more — and it's the best of the bunch.
"President Clinton visits the pope and he notices this red phone in the corner of the room. He asks the pope what the phone is for, and the pope says, 'Oh, that's a direct line to God. It's very expensive. If we dial it from here, it's $20,000 a minute for the Vatican.' So Clinton accepted his explanation and on he went.
"A couple of days later he's in Ireland and he's in the archbishop's office and he sees another red phone. Being curious, he asks the archbishop what the phone was used for and the archbishop tells Clinton it's a direct line to God, he uses it whenever he has a puzzling question or concern. So Clinton asked the archbishop, 'Aren't the calls quite expensive, since the pope has to pay $20,000 for the red phone at the Vatican?"
"And the archbishop said 'Oh no. In Ireland, it's a local call.' "
Conners also knows why Irish jokes appeal to people of Irish descent and their friends — who are legion this time of year.
"I think it's the dry humor and it's the quickness of the joke," he said. "It matches the Irish wit."
Irish men and women will be telling jokes today and Monday — St. Patrick's Day — as conversations turn into celebrations. The Daily Gazette asked several local Irish residents to share some of their favorite punch lines.
Local favorites• From Sister Mary Rose Noonan of the Sisters of St. Joseph of Carondelet in Latham:
"Paddy suffered a bad heart attack and he ended up in a Catholic Hospital run by nuns in County Cork. He had emergency bypass surgery and when he woke up, he was kind of surprised. One of the sisters came up to him from the admissions office and said, 'What kind of health insurance do you have?' He said, 'I don't have any health insurance.'
"The sister asked, 'Well, do you have any money in the bank?' And he said no. 'Well, do you have a relative who can help you?'
" 'Well,' he said, 'the only relative I have is my sister, an old maid nun, a spinster.' And the nun got a little annoyed and said, 'Nuns are not spinsters, they're married to God.'
"And Paddy replied, 'Well, send the bill to my brother-in-law, then.' "
Sister Noonan believes Irish jokes succeed because the Irish are so good at laughing at themselves. "So many of the Irish jokes have to do with that," she said. "They deal with the sad things in life with humor. Sometimes, that makes it even funnier."
• From Glenville's Michael Glenn, of Schenectady's Ancient Order of Hibernians:
"Here's my current favorite story, which falls under the type of humor where the Irish get to take a poke at the Brits.
"An Englishmen and an Irishman enter a bake shop at the same time. The Brit says to Paddy, 'Watch this,' and as the shop manager's back is turned, swipes three cookies from the counter and stows them in his pocket.
"Paddy, not impressed, replies 'Watch and learn.' He calls to the shop manager and says 'If you give me a cookie, I'll show you a magic trick.' The manager complies.
"Paddy replies, 'Well, one more just to make it effective.' He gobbles it down with the first and asks for a third. He eats that one, too. The manager, starting to get irate, replies 'So now, where's my magic trick?'
"Paddy replies, 'Look in the Brit's coat pocket!' "
Glenn believes Irish jokes are always funny, often reflective.
"Irish humor certainly has its own unique way about it, quite often ironic, sometimes self-effacing, but always able to bring about a smile if not a full laugh," he said.
• Rev. Leo O'Brien has heard his share of Irish jokes in his 83 years on Earth. O'Brien is currently the chaplain at the Avila Retirement Community in Albany and was formerly the pastor — from 1956 until 1964 — at St. Paul's Church in Schenectady's Woodlawn section.
"There was a guy in a bar, having a drink all by himself, but he has three beers and his friend says, 'Can you tell me why you have three beers?' He says, 'Oh yeah, I have two brothers, Pat and Tom, and one is in Australia and one is in South America. We agreed every time we had a drink, we'd have a drink for one another.'
"So it went on very nicely, but one day he just ordered two drinks. So very carefully, the bartender said, 'Any problem?' And he said, 'No. Why do you ask? The guy said, 'Well, you only have two beers.' He said, 'Oh, I gave up beer for Lent.' "
O'Brien believes Irish humor is designed to relieve sadness.
"I think it kind of takes us out of our misery," he said. "Irish songs are usually sad songs, somebody leaving Ireland. So it kind of gives us a little break."
• Maggie McNally of Albany's Irish Riders motorcycle club offers an Irish joke from the road.
"It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day. After a wee bit, Paddy — who was sitting behind Seamus on the bike — began to holler, 'Seamus, Seamus, the wind is cuttin' me chest out!'
" 'Well, Paddy my lad,' said Seamus, 'Why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back . . . That will block the wind for you.'
"So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. After a short time, he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy, who was sitting on the ground.
" 'T'anks be to heaven, is he all right?' Seamus hailed to the farmers. 'Well,' said one of the farmers, 'he was all right when we found him here. But since we turned his head back to front, he hasn't said a word since!' "
• When Tom Lawrence of Amsterdam tells an Irish joke, the listener enjoys delivery in a fine Irish brogue.
"Sean is sitting in his chair and Sheila comes in an says, 'Sean, tonight I'll be making me fish stew, I need you to go down to the mongers and get some snails and bring them back up. And no stopping at the pub on your way home!
"He says, 'All right, Sheila, yeah, yeah.' So he gets up and goes down to the fishmongers and he gets two paper bags full of snails. And he's walking up the hill and passing the pub and Mick is inside and says, 'Hey, Sean, come in for a pint.' And it's 'Naw, I can't do it, I've got to get these back to Sheila, she's making her fish stew tonight.'
"Mick says, 'Come on, Sean, have a pint, I'll buy.' So Sean went into the pub and four hours later he came walking out. And he's walking home and gets up to his cottage and he pulls on the iron gate when he should have pushed. He rips the paper bag and the snails go all over the street and the sidewalks.
"He looks up and there's Sheila standing there with her arms crossed. And it's 'Where the hell have you been for the last four hours?' And he says, looking at the snails, 'Where the hell do you think I've been? Come on boys, now hurry up, get going."
For Lawrence, a former longtime Schenectady resident and founder of Lennon's Irish Shop on Jay Street, Irish humor is a talent that comes from family tradition.
"My mother was from Belfast and she always had a joke and her family always did," he said. "I think it's a way of expression. The Irish are real hard workers and at the end of the day, they would sit around and tell stories. A lot of these jokes are based in truth. These things actually happened to people."
Reach Gazette reporter Jeff Wilkin at 395-3124 or at [email protected]
Categories: Life and Arts
75 Short Jokes For Kids And Adults That Are Actually Funny
There's never a bad time for a corny joke. If anything, the only the problem is nailing the timing and delivering a smooth punchline to ensure you get all the laughs.
If you love hamming it up when the gang's all together, but don't have enough brain space to remember tons of gags, no worries. Wowing the crowd is as easy as having a hilarious dad joke or two ready to go at a moment's notice.
A funny knock-knock joke or pun will do nicely in a pinch, but if you really want to be the star of your own comedy show, then have a stash of short jokes at the ready.
Have some friends over to watch the big game? Wait until everyone's around the TV, then crack them up with a silly one-liner like "I was going to tell you a pizza joke, but decided it was too cheesy."
If the family's sitting around the table for Sunday night dinner, go with something sure to go over well with the kids and adults in attendance like "What did the hamburgers name their baby?" We'd tell you the answer, but don't want to give all the good ones away just yet.
Now, scroll on for all the short jokes you'll ever need to tickle everyone's funny bone — including your own.
Short jokes for kidsWhat did the man say to his fingers? I'm counting on you.
How does the ocean say hello? It waves.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. Summer wasn't bad either.
How do pigs do their homework? With a pigpen.
How do you hire a horse? Put it on a ladder.
What do pigs use in the shower? Hogwash.
How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.
What's the pirate's favorite letter? The "C."
What's the best way to plan a party in space? You planet.
What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.
What kind of witch goes to the beach? A sandwich.
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
Why did the sauna go to the doctor? It wasn't feeling so hot.
Why did the owl quit its job? It didn't give a hoot.
How much do dead batteries cost? There should be no charge.
Did you hear about the soap-stealing robber? He decided to come clean.
I used to be afraid of painting, but eventually I brushed it off.
Why don't people play more hide-and-seek? Because good players are hard to find.
What did one eye say to the other? Between us, something smells.
Why are astronauts so clean? They take meteor showers.
When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.
What did the hamburgers name their new baby? Patty.
One did the T-rex say to the velociraptor? Nothing, they're extinct.
Why shouldn't you trust jungle animals? They're always lion.
What's the best way to make an egg roll? Push it.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It had a bad fall.
How do you make a squid laugh? Give it ten-tickles.
I'm not a hard drinker. I actually find it pretty easy.
What's a zebra? A few sizes bigger than an A.
I don't like shopping centers. Once you've seen one, you've seen the mall.
What do you call a murderer with two butts? An assassin.
A bossy man walked into a bar, then ordered everyone a round.
I used to have an addiction to the hokey pokey, but then I turned it around.
Why did the golfer cry? He was going through a rough patch.
Why did the woman throw her bills out the window? She wanted to send them via airmail.
What do cows do on date night? Go to the moo-vies.
Did you hear about the tree that went into banking? It started its own branch.
What happened to the archeologist who lost her job? Her career was in ruins.
How does a lumberjack know how many trees he's cut down? He keeps a log.
Why shouldn't you trust atoms? They make up everything.
Did you hear about the broken guitar for sale? You can buy it with no strings attached.
Did you hear about the woman who couldn't stop collecting magazines? She had issues.
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Any idea how to drive this thing?"
I once made a lot of money cleaning up leaves. I was raking it in.
Why was the math book down in the dumps? It had a lot of problems.
Why do barbers make good drivers? They know a lot of short cuts.
Why did the elephant leave the circus? It was sick of working for peanuts.
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag's a plus.
Did you hear about the ski trip? It started off fine but went downhill fast.
How do you know when a computer is on a diet? It quits eating after only one byte.
I wanted to take a bath, but then decided to leave it where it is.
I'd tell you a pizza joke, but it's probably too cheesy.
I try not to tell dad jokes, but when I do, he thinks they're funny.
What did one volcano say to the other? I lava you.
Why should you avoid artists? They tend to be sketchy.
I'm afraid of elevators, so I take steps to avoid them.
Did you hear about the kidnapping? They woke her up.
My mom asked me to put the cat out. I didn't know it was on fire.
What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.
When is a pool safe for diving? It deep ends.
Have you ever been camping? It's in tents.
I once read a book about glue. I couldn't put it down.
Why should you eat a clock? It's too time-consuming.
Did you hear about the car with logs for wheels? It wooden go.
What did one playing card say to the other? I can't deal with you.
Did you hear about the broken hearing aid? Wait, what?
What do you call a cow with bad manners? Beef jerky.
What kind of birds eat at the deli? Bagels.
Why didn't the elf pay his rent? He was a little short.
Why shouldn't you eat clowns? They taste funny.
Why did the computer hate commuting to work? It had a hard drive.
When does a dad joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
I only catch cold on weekdays. Probably because I have a weekend immune system.
Why did the roofer go to the doctor? He had shingles.
This article was originally published on TODAY.Com
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