Who's Afraid of Lorne Michaels?
54 Dark Jokes For Anyone With A Morbid Sense Of Humor
Life can be a real challenge sometimes, and during those times you may just have to laugh it out—even if that means getting a little dark. While these may not be the best jokes to crack with your mother-in-law or boss, it's OK to giggle at them on your own or even with some like-minded friends. Dark jokes aren't for everyone, but laughing at dark humor memes and jokes could mean you're a genius. Genius or not, there's no harm in letting off some steam on the harder days with some dark humor. If you're looking for jokes to make the whole room laugh, try these clean jokes, anti-jokes, bad jokes, and short jokes that are easy to remember.
1. I don't have a carbon footprint.I just drive everywhere.
2. The most corrupt CEOs are those of the pretzel companies.They're always so twisted.
3. When we were kids, we used to be afraid of the dark.But when we grew up, the electricity bill made us afraid of the light!
4. What did the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs say?"T. Rex, I'm coming for my hug!"
5. An apple a day keeps the doctor away…Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.
6. I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.
7. I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
8. I was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let's make this interesting."So we stopped playing chess.
9. Why did Mozart hate all of his chickens?When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach."
10. The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.She still isn't talking to me.
Feeling cheesy? Try these corny jokes that will make everyone laugh while they roll their eyes.
11. Patient: Oh doctor, I'm just so nervous. This is my first operation.Doctor: Don't worry. Mine too.
12. I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.
13. Never break someone's heart. They only have one.Break their bones instead. They have 206 of them.
14. My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction.So I packed up my stuff and right.
15. I childproofed my houseSomehow they still got in!
16. The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.
17. What's worse than biting into an apple and discovering a worm?Biting into an apple and discovering half a worm.
18. As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
19. My wife told me she'll slam my head into the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.I'm not too worried — I think she's jokindkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf
20. You're not completely useless.You can always serve as a bad example.
Check out these "what do you call" jokes that will definitely make you chuckle.
21. A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree complains. "I'm a talking tree!" The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."
22. What's a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet?None. Historians have suggested most pirates would have been illiterate.
23. "Welcome back to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today!"
24. My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!
25. What's the last thing to go through a fly's head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 miles per hour? Its butt.
26. My boss told me to have a good day.So I went home.
In the middle of a political discussion that's getting too heated? Break the tension with these witty political jokes.
27. A child determined to burn his home down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm across the mother and stated, "That's arson."
28. Imagine when you walked into a bar and there was a lengthy line of individuals ready to take a swing at you. That's the punch line.
29. Wife: "I want another baby."Husband: "That's a relief, I also really don't like this one."
30. "What's your name, son?" The principal asked his student. The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir." "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk."
31. My favorite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame.I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.
32. Why are friends a lot like snow?If you pee on them, they disappear.
33. I threw a boomerang a few years ago.I now live in constant fear.
34. A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she's seeing someone. It's either terrible news or great news.
35. When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic.I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
If you're in need for a quick joke to pull out of your pocket at the next party, don't miss the funniest one-liners.
36. Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating?Because they have no body to go with.
37. My boss said to me, "You're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?"I said, "I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track."
38. My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
39. You know you're not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.
40. I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99 percent of you will never get it.
41. My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister.
42. What rhymes with "boo" and stinks?You.
43. I have a fish that can breakdance.Just for 20 seconds though and only once.
44. What's pink and dangerous for your tooth?A brick.
If these dark jokes are feeling a little too dark, check out these "why did the chicken cross the road" jokes to lighten the mood.
45. "I work with animals," the man says to his date."That's so sweet," she replies. "I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?""I'm a butcher," he says.
46. Why don't cannibals eat clowns?Because they taste funny.
47. Watching my daughter at the park earlier. Another parent asked, "Which one is yours?" I replied, "I'm still deciding."They looked horrified.
48. My mother said one man's trash is another man's treasure.Turns out I'm adopted.
49. When my uncle Frank died, he needed his ashes to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His final wish was to be Frank in Stein.
50. Why do vampires seem sick?They're always coffin.
Love riddles? Here are some dark riddles for you to figure.
51. Do the very last thing my grandfather stated to me earlier than he kicked the bucket? "Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket."
52. Well, it is true that humans eat more bananas than monkeys just as recent research suggests. I agree because I can't remember when last I enjoyed eating a monkey.
53. Today I made a decision to go go to my childhood house. I asked the residents if I may come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, however, they refused and slammed the door on my face. My mother and father are the worst.
54. What's the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly a clown into the tiny automobile.
Now that you've laughed over these dark jokes, read up on the best Laffy Taffy jokes that will sweeten your day.
Submit your best joke here and get $25 if Reader's Digest runs it.
These Dad Jokes Are So Bad, They're Good
How do you hire a horse? Easy. Just put up a ladder.
Did you hear about the roofer who went to the doctor? He had shingles.
Think those are corny? Well, buckle in, because we're just getting started. Trust us when we say, there are plenty more groan-worthy dad jokes where those came from. And all of them are guaranteed to make you smile or at the very least, inspire a case of the giggles.
But before we get started, we're curious to know if you've ever had a bad sausage. If you have, then you probably know that they're the wurst.
It's hard to resist a solid Dad joke. They're funny as heck, and the whole point of a funny pun is to make you groan while laughing in spite of yourself.
Whether you're doing a stand-up routine for your pals or entertaining the kids at home, this compilation of dad-tastic jokes will keep the laughs coming all day, every day.
Better yet, these bad-but-good jokes are just right for adults, kids, friends, relatives (even the ones you don't like) and just about everyone else.
From something short and to the point or complex enough to compete with your own dad's jokes, you're sure to find it here. So, grab a needle and thread because you're about to be in stitches.
Funny dad jokes for all agesDid you hear about the fire at the shoe factory? Unfortunately, many soles were lost.
What do you call a pig who knows how to use a knife? A pork chop.
What kind of fish knows how to do an appendectomy? A Sturgeon.
How do you hire a horse? Put up a ladder.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water? Because it was a little horse.
Is there anything worse than when it's raining cats and dogs? Yes, hailing taxis.
Dad Jokes
How many apples can you grow on a tree? All of them.
My manager told me to have a good day. So I didn't go into work.
What do kids play when they have nothing else to do? Bored games.
What did the boy say to his fingers? I'm counting on you.
What kind of music do elves listen to? Wrap music.
What does cake and baseball have in common? They both need a batter.
When does Friday come before Thursday? In the dictionary.
What did the tree say when spring finally arrived? What a re-leaf.
How can you tell if a pig is hot? It's bacon.
Dad Jokes
Did you hear about the guy who afraid of hurdles? He got over it.
Why did the drum go to bed? It was beat.
What do you call a rude cow? Beef jerky.
Have you ever had a bad sausage? It's the wurst.
Did you hear about the guy who drank invisible ink? He's at the hospital waiting to be seen.
How do you get a squirrel's attention? Act like a nut.
Did you hear about the cat that ate a lemon? Now it's a sour puss.
What did one volcano say to the other? I lava you.
Why did the computer catch cold? It left a window open.
How do mice floss their teeth? With string cheese.
How do you cook an alligator? With a croc-pot.
What did the earthquake say when it was done? Sorry, my fault!
Dad Jokes
Why did the computer go to bed? It needed to crash.
What do you give the dentist of the year? A little plaque.
What should you do to prevent dry skin? Use a towel.
How can you tell when a comic passes gas? Something smells funny.
What kind of bug can tell time? A clock-roach.
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener.
What do pigs use to clean up? Hogwash.
What's a pirate's favorite letter? You'd think it's the "R," but it's really the "C."
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. Summer wasn't too bad either.
When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.
What's a zebra? A couple sizes bigger than an A.
Did you hear about the bossy man at the bar? He ordered everyone around.
Dad Jokes
Did you hear about the broken guitar for sale? It comes with no strings attached.
I wanted to take a bath, but decided to leave it where it is.
Once I read a book about glue. I couldn't put it down.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
Why'd the roofer go to the doctor? He had shingles.
Did you hear about the woman who couldn't stop collecting magazines? She had issues.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.
What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.
What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.
What's the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.
Dad Jokes
Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.
Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.
What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.
Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.
What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
Dad Jokes
Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.
Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.
What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.
Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.
What do you call a cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese!
How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!
Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school.
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one.
Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggie.
Dad Jokes
How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.
What's more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.
Why shouldn't you trust trees? They seem shady.
How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.
What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music.
Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.
Dad Jokes
How do you get an astronaut's baby to stop crying? You rocket.
What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID.
Why shouldn't you play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.
How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card.
Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.
Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.
Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn't putting in enough shifts.
Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He's all right now.
Dad Jokes
Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!
What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.
What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved.
What did one wall say to the other? I'll meet you at the corner.
Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.
Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.
Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.
Why can't you trust a balloon? It's full of hot air.
Dad Jokes
A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!
Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That's just how eye roll.
Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn't peeling well.
Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop.
What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It's pasture bed time.
Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it's pointless.
Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.
Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store.
Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.
What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.
Dad Jokes
What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide.
How do you organize a space party? You planet.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.
What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.
What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.
Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn't see the ewe turn.
Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed.
What is a calendar's favorite food? Dates.
Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans.
Dad Jokes
Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs.
Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.
How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.
Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website.
What did the blanket say to the bed? I've got you covered.
What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one's on the house.
What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows
Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.
How do birds learn to fly? They wing it.
Dad Jokes
Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.
Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.
What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.
What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I'm coming down with something.
What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.
What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.
Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts.
Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.
Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.
Dad Jokes
What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.
What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints.
What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked.
What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.
What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.
Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.
What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.
How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.
Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field.
Dad Jokes
Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.
Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base.
What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let's stick together.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.
How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.
Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.
Can February March? No, but April May!
What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion.
Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!
Dad Jokes
Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.
What's a scarecrow's favorite fruit? Straw-berries
Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.
What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn.
Why was the broom late? It over-swept.
What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.
Where do books hide when they're afraid? Under their covers.
How do trees get on the internet? They log in.
What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.
What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk.
What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs.
Dad Jokes
How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch.
How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks.
What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms.
What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs.
Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.
What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese.
What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown.
Dad Jokes
What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say "cheese."
Why couldn't the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.
What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.
Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose.
What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.
How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.
What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.
What did one leaf say to the other? I'm falling for you.
Where's the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.
How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.
What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta.
Dad Jokes
Best dad jokes for adultsWhy did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.
Why do birds fly south? Because it's too far to walk.
What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.
Dogs can't operate MRI machines — but cats-can.
If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?
I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I'll have a grape.
Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water.
Dad Jokes
It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.
Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.
I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.
Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.
Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits.
Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change.
Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don't freeze their buns.
Why didn't the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.
What do you call someone who can't stick to a diet? A desserter.
Dad Jokes
Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.
Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean's bottom.
Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job.
I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.
Why can't you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.
I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn't find any.
Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.
I haven't talked to my wife in a week — I didn't want to interrupt her.
Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.
I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!
Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.
What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.
How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.
Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.
The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
This article was originally published on TODAY.Com
Dad Jokes
My 16-year-old brother, Ryan, was out late with friends one night. Suddenly he realized it was Father's Day and he had neglected to buy a card for our dad. After much searching, Ryan located an open store, but was disappointed to find only two cards left on a picked-over rack. Selecting one, he brought it home and, somewhat sheepishly, presented it to our father. Upon opening it, Dad read this message: "You've been like a father to me." He looked at Ryan, puzzled. "Well, Dad," Ryan tried to explain, "it was either that or the card that said, 'Now that I'm a father too!'" Submitted by Anne Carlson
My 16-year-old brother, Ryan, was out late with friends one night. Suddenly he realized it was Father's Day and he had neglected to buy a card for our dad. After...
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