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The Best Jokes For When The Dinner Chat Gets Dry
Ok ok, so we're not claiming to be Ed Gamble or James Acaster, but sometimes you just need a funny joke up your sleeve. Maybe a first date just got a bit awkward, or you're trying to make your niece laugh. Or maybe you need to help a friend cheer up, or you've just been approached by one of those TikTokers shouting "If you make me laugh I will buy you a car."
Here are 50 funny jokes to have up your sleeve, even if you do think they're a bit cringe.
Short jokesBecause he'll be coffin
Second hand shops
It was too tyred
He knew a shortcut
It was framed
Lawsuits
It got fired
Then it'd be a foot
The first one's on the house
What does a house wear?
Address!
"I'll meet you at the corner"
It's full of blades
Food jokesAcademia nuts
In case there's a salad dressing
He was on a roll
Because they're shellfish
Halloumi!
A steaming vegetable
Because he was a fungi
Animal jokesSurfing the web
With a cow-culator
An investi-gator
The same place you lost it!
Too many cheetahs
In inches, because they don't have feet
Spoiled milk
They don't have the right koala-fications
Stable
More funny jokesA-Dell
When it's ajar
They always get a bit flush
You planet
They have the best batter
He had a hard-drive
Nothing - they fast
You rocket
A loose Canon
Because it's point-less
You're under a vest
He kept getting lost at C
She kept running away from the ball
A little plaque
A nobody
One's very heavy and the other's a little lighter.
It lifts their spirits
A pan-duh
He was outstanding in his field
He didn't have the guts to ask anyone
Sorry, I'm still working on it
He's a bit of a pain in the neck
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30 Anti-Jokes That Put Dad Jokes To Shame
Before diving into the not-so-funny jokes, it's important to first understand what an anti-joke is, so you know what to expect when it's time to deliver.
An anti-joke is similar in nature to a dad joke in that it has two parts: a setup and punchline. However, the punchline is purposefully unfunny; it's often sarcastic and obvious after thinking about it. Wondering why anyone would want to hear an anti-joke over an actually funny quip? For the same reason people eat a bag of chips they don't really like — they're so bad, they're good!
Find the best anti jokes below, and share them with friends and family for a round of laughs. You may even feel compelled to make up a few of your own! A bonus is that they're much easier to think of than actual jokes.
Although our list may make you cringe because of all the corny jokes, we guarantee you'll finish reading with a smirk on your face, wishing there were more. But fret not, we have other joke round-ups that are actually meant to be funny. Find articles such as funny jokes for kids, knock jokes, and birthday jokes, as well as riddles, puns, and the occasional funny pick-up line.
Woman's Day
What's red, white, and oh so blue?Literally anything on the 4th of July.
"Who you gonna call?"Probably your Mom — not the Ghostbusters.
If Carl started in Canada and continued to walk north, where would he end up?Canada. Carl can't walk that far.
What is orange, round, and tasty?An orange.
What's older than the beginning of time?T-1 day before the start of time.
If Bob is driving at 65 miles per hour and gets passed, how fast is the other vehicle moving?Faster than 65 mph.
I like my coffee like I like my tea.With milk and sugar.
Mandy goes to the doctor and is prescribed laughter as the best medicine. What does Mandy do?She sues the doctor for malpractice.
Woman's Day
What did the French men say to each other as they walked back to their apartment?"Oui, oui, oui," all the way home. Wait — wrong story.
What ended after 2001?2002.
Where was the Constitution signed?The bottom.
Why do cat's meow?We don't know. Why do dogs bark?
If Jimmy ate half a sandwich, and Billy ate three quarters of a sandwich, how much is left of Jimmy's sandwich?Half.
What's a waffle's least favorite holiday?National Pancake Day.
Woman's Day
How many cars does it take to get from New York to California?One, unless it breaks down.
If blueberries are blue and oranges are orange, why aren't cherries cherry?Because cherry isn't a color.
Knock. Who's there? To. To who?No, "to whom."
How many hot dogs are eaten on the 4th of July every year?A lot.
When is a bird's favorite time to sing?5 a.M., right outside your window.
What happens if you fail a math test?You don't pass.
What did the shoe say to the other shoe?Nothing. Since when can shoes talk?
What is Santa's favorite holiday?He's actually a big fan of St. Patrick's Day.
Woman's Day
If the early bird gets the worm, what does the worm get?Eaten.
What happens when you mix a walnut with a pineapple?Nothing. It's still a walnut and a pineapple.
What's greater than infinity?Infinity + 1.
If Chuck was born in 1950. What would he be in 2200?Dead or a time traveler.
After Bill's breakup, his friend said, "Don't worry. There are plenty of fish in the sea."Bill said, "That's good to know, but can we talk about my breakup?"
What should you never bring to a soap opera audition?Soap. Turns out, it's not a performance about cleaning.
Why do turkey's hate Thanksgiving?Isn't it obvious?
A man walked into a bar and said what?Ouch.
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These Jokes Are So Bad, They're Actually Funny — We Promise
A horse goes into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
Admit it. You just groaned. But we're guessing you also couldn't help but chuckle a little at that bad joke, because it was funny business. Because when it comes to the best bad jokes, the dumber they actually are, the better.
And, like eating potato chips, once you start, it's almost impossible to stop. That's why we filled up the bank with this stockpile of dad jokes to break out whenever the occasion calls for it, which is pretty much anytime, for any reason.
Out to dinner with friends? Tell 'em about the bacon and egg that walked into a restaurant. What happened? Well, the manager said they don't serve breakfast.
Aww, dang, that is so corny. But, also, classic, right?
No need to wait for a night out to show off your arsenal of stupid jokes either. These one-liners are perfect to breakout during road trips, family gatherings or whenever kids, adults, friends, relatives or anyone else needs a laugh.
Whatever you're in the mood for, we've got short jokes, funny puns and knock-knock jokes to keep everyone in stitches indefinitely.
So prepare your knees, because you and the crew are about to start slapping them. And, we promise, that's no joke.
Bad jokes for kidsWhy doesn't anyone play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
Why can't you trust stairs? They're always up to something.
What kind of sandals do frogs prefer? Open toad.
How do birds learn how to fly? They wing it.
What kind of shoes do bananas wear? Slippers.
What's a mummy's favorite kind of music? Wrap.
I don't like artists. They tend to be sketchy.
Did you hear about the pasta that got locked out of the house? Gnocci.
I once bought a hat for my leg. It was a kneecap.
What's the best way to put a spaceship to sleep? Rocket.
Bacon and eggs walk into a restaurant. The manager says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here."
Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.
Why did the computer get glasses? It wanted to improve its website.
Did you hear about the medieval lamp? It's a knight light.
Where do learn how to make ice cream? At sundae school.
What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.
Where do elephants store their clothes? In a trunk.
What did the lawyer wear to court? A law suit.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.
How do you identify a dogwood tree? By its bark.
How do celebrities stay cool? They have a lot of fans.
What's the best way to watch a fishing show? Live stream.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
Did you hear about the dull pencil? It was pointless.
What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected foul play.
What do you call a cold dog? A chili dog.
Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.
Did you hear about the emotional wedding? Even the cake was in tiers.
What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.
What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.
How much do roofs cost? Nothing. They're on the house!
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener.
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.
Why shouldn't you trust atoms? They make up everything.
What did one plate say to the other? Dinner's on me.
What kind of bug can tell time? A clock roach.
Knock, knock! Who's there? The interrupting cow. The interrupting ... MOOOOOOO.
Knock, knock! Who's there? Spell. Spell who? W-H-O.
Knock, knock! Who's there? Accordion. Accordion who? Accordion my sources, it's going to rain.
Knock, knock! Who's there? Ash. Ash who? Gesundheit! Need a tissue?
Knock, knock! Who's there? Frank. Frank who? Frank you for asking, it's me.
Knock, knock! Who's there? Abby. Abby who? Abby just stung me, ouch!
Knock, knock! Who's there? Giraffe. Giraffe who? Giraffe anything to eat? I sure am hungry.
Knock, knock! Who's there? Yvette. Yvette who? Yvette treats animals when they're sick.
Knock, knock! Who's there? Aida. Aida who? Aida big breakfast and now I'm stuffed.
Knock, knock! Who's there? Justin. Justin who? Justin time for dinner.
Knock, knock! Who's there? Olive. Olive who? Olive you.
Knock, knock! Who's there? Teddy. Teddy who? Teddy is my birthday.
Knock, knock! Who's there? Wren. Wren who? Wren will these knock-knock jokes ever end?
Knock, knock! Who's there? Ida. Ida who? Ida know, but you better answer the door.
Knock, knock! Who's there? Cows go. Cows go who? No. Cows go moo.
Knock, knock! Who's there? Needle. Needle who? Needle little help getting in the house.
What do call a cold parrot? A brrr-d.
What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Half a worm.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom.
Why did the photograph go to jail? It was framed.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
What did one pen say to the other? You're ink-redable.
What do you call a fake father? A faux pa.
Why did the belt go to jail? It held up a pair of pants.
Why do birds fly south for the winter? It's too far to walk.
Why did the man cut his camping trip short? It was in tents.
What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up without help? It was two-tired.
What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? A stick.
Why do golfers always bring an extra pair of pants? In case they get a hole in one.
How can you spot a baby snake? It's got a rattle.
What did one eye say to the other? Between us, something smells.
Why did the shopping cart go to therapy? It was tired of being pushed around.
When does Friday come before Thursday? In the dictionary.
What did one horse say to the other? You mustang out with me.
Where do polar bears vote? At the North Pole.
Why don't cats tell a lot of stories? They only have one tail.
What do you get when you cross a grocery store and a scientist? Market research.
Why aren't there any restaurants on the moon? There's no atmosphere.
I excel at sleeping. I can even do it with my eyes closed.
Someone glued my deck of cards together. I don't know how to deal with it.
The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
I got rid of my vacuum cleaner. It was just gathering dust.
Did you hear about the guy who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.
I always pronounce one word wrong. Wrong.
I don't file my nails. I prefer to throw them away.
Pigs shouldn't drive. They always hog the road.
Did you hear about the witch that went into the desert? She was having a dry spell.
I avoid highways in winter. I don't like getting the cold shoulder.
What do you call a crocodile wearing a vest? An investigator.
A dinosaur was in a car accident. It was a tyrannosaurus wrecks.
My dog sat down on a piece of sandpaper. It was ruff.
I avoid hanging out with pigs. They're a boar.
What's stranger than seeing a catfish? Watching a fish bowl.
Did you hear about the polite clown? It was a nice jester.
Carbon and hydrogen went on a date. I heard they bonded.
I got help for my ATM addiction, but went through withdrawals first.
Two walkie talkies got married. I hear the reception was amazing.
I bought an automatic shovel. It's groundbreaking.
This article was originally published on TODAY.Com
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