Antisemitism is the passion dead Jews arouse in their killers to kill ...
54 Dark Jokes For Anyone With A Morbid Sense Of Humor
Life can be a real challenge sometimes, and during those times you may just have to laugh it out—even if that means getting a little dark. While these may not be the best jokes to crack with your mother-in-law or boss, it's OK to giggle at them on your own or even with some like-minded friends. Dark jokes aren't for everyone, but laughing at dark humor memes and jokes could mean you're a genius. Genius or not, there's no harm in letting off some steam on the harder days with some dark humor. If you're looking for jokes to make the whole room laugh, try these clean jokes, anti-jokes, bad jokes, and short jokes that are easy to remember.
1. I don't have a carbon footprint.I just drive everywhere.
2. The most corrupt CEOs are those of the pretzel companies.They're always so twisted.
3. When we were kids, we used to be afraid of the dark.But when we grew up, the electricity bill made us afraid of the light!
4. What did the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs say?"T. Rex, I'm coming for my hug!"
5. An apple a day keeps the doctor away…Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.
6. I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.
7. I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
8. I was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let's make this interesting."So we stopped playing chess.
9. Why did Mozart hate all of his chickens?When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach."
10. The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.She still isn't talking to me.
Feeling cheesy? Try these corny jokes that will make everyone laugh while they roll their eyes.
11. Patient: Oh doctor, I'm just so nervous. This is my first operation.Doctor: Don't worry. Mine too.
12. I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.
13. Never break someone's heart. They only have one.Break their bones instead. They have 206 of them.
14. My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction.So I packed up my stuff and right.
15. I childproofed my houseSomehow they still got in!
16. The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.
17. What's worse than biting into an apple and discovering a worm?Biting into an apple and discovering half a worm.
18. As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
19. My wife told me she'll slam my head into the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.I'm not too worried — I think she's jokindkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf
20. You're not completely useless.You can always serve as a bad example.
Check out these "what do you call" jokes that will definitely make you chuckle.
21. A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree complains. "I'm a talking tree!" The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."
22. What's a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet?None. Historians have suggested most pirates would have been illiterate.
23. "Welcome back to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today!"
24. My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!
25. What's the last thing to go through a fly's head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 miles per hour? Its butt.
26. My boss told me to have a good day.So I went home.
In the middle of a political discussion that's getting too heated? Break the tension with these witty political jokes.
27. A child determined to burn his home down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm across the mother and stated, "That's arson."
28. Imagine when you walked into a bar and there was a lengthy line of individuals ready to take a swing at you. That's the punch line.
29. Wife: "I want another baby."Husband: "That's a relief, I also really don't like this one."
30. "What's your name, son?" The principal asked his student. The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir." "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk."
31. My favorite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame.I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.
32. Why are friends a lot like snow?If you pee on them, they disappear.
33. I threw a boomerang a few years ago.I now live in constant fear.
34. A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she's seeing someone. It's either terrible news or great news.
35. When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic.I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
If you're in need for a quick joke to pull out of your pocket at the next party, don't miss the funniest one-liners.
36. Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating?Because they have no body to go with.
37. My boss said to me, "You're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?"I said, "I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track."
38. My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
39. You know you're not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.
40. I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99 percent of you will never get it.
41. My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister.
42. What rhymes with "boo" and stinks?You.
43. I have a fish that can breakdance.Just for 20 seconds though and only once.
44. What's pink and dangerous for your tooth?A brick.
If these dark jokes are feeling a little too dark, check out these "why did the chicken cross the road" jokes to lighten the mood.
45. "I work with animals," the man says to his date."That's so sweet," she replies. "I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?""I'm a butcher," he says.
46. Why don't cannibals eat clowns?Because they taste funny.
47. Watching my daughter at the park earlier. Another parent asked, "Which one is yours?" I replied, "I'm still deciding."They looked horrified.
48. My mother said one man's trash is another man's treasure.Turns out I'm adopted.
49. When my uncle Frank died, he needed his ashes to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His final wish was to be Frank in Stein.
50. Why do vampires seem sick?They're always coffin.
Love riddles? Here are some dark riddles for you to figure.
51. Do the very last thing my grandfather stated to me earlier than he kicked the bucket? "Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket."
52. Well, it is true that humans eat more bananas than monkeys just as recent research suggests. I agree because I can't remember when last I enjoyed eating a monkey.
53. Today I made a decision to go go to my childhood house. I asked the residents if I may come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, however, they refused and slammed the door on my face. My mother and father are the worst.
54. What's the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly a clown into the tiny automobile.
Now that you've laughed over these dark jokes, read up on the best Laffy Taffy jokes that will sweeten your day.
Submit your best joke here and get $25 if Reader's Digest runs it.
Surprise Netflix Hit The Conference Blends Drama, Gore, And Pitch-Black Humor
The top non-English language film on Netflix last week was The Conference—a Swedish horror movie that's no doubt drawing viewers in with its thumbnail of a ghoulishly grinning, dirt-stained mask. Those who click on it will be rewarded with a blend of corporate satire and campground slasher, filled with some of the most creative gore in recent memory.
In the nondescript Swedish countryside, a group of municipal workers gather for a mandatory team-building retreat ahead of the groundbreaking for a shopping mall they helped develop, but nobody in the local community supported. Among their numbers are Lina (Katia Winter), recently back on the job after extreme stress made medical leave necessary, and her office nemesis, the smarmy Jonas (Adam Lundgren)—but The Conference is an ensemble film, and it manages to infuse each of its characters with distinctive, appealing and/or comedically awful characteristics. The group doesn't really see eye to eye on the project they're ostensibly working on together, and Lina's starting to have some doubts that the whole mall deal, engineered mostly by Jonas, is even on the level.
Read more
Props to director Patrik Eklund and writer Thomas Moldestad, who more than earn the right to transform "teamwork makes the dream work"—a glib slogan that sets the tone for the retreat—into a metaphor about battling a masked maniac alongside your co-workers.
Photo: Robert Eldrim/Netflix
The Conference is now streaming on Netflix.
Want more io9 news? Check out when to expect the latest Marvel, Star Wars, and Star Trek releases, what's next for the DC Universe on film and TV, and everything you need to know about the future of Doctor Who.
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Prince William's Very Daring Joke Caught On Camera
Prince William had community members in fits of giggles on Tuesday as he broke the ice during a photo-call with a daring joke about his backside, which was caught on camera.
The Prince and Princess of Wales visited the Welsh city of Cardiff on October 3 to mark Black History Month by meeting with members of the Windrush Generation—the name given to migrants, mainly from the Caribbean nations, who were encouraged to settle in Britain between 1948 and 1973 to aid in the country's post-war recovery.
The prince and princess posed for a formal photograph with members of the Windrush Cymru Elders group at the Grange Pavilion, and William broke the ice by offering the joke: "Who's pinching my bottom?"
This caused the group—and Kate—to burst out laughing, resulting in a number of joyful images.
The Prince and Princess of Wales photographed with members of the Windrush Cymru Elders group in Cardiff on October 3, 2023. The prince jokingly asked who was "pinching my bottom" during a photo-call, resulting in a round of laughter. Geoff Caddick - WPA Pool /Getty ImagesWhile William's reference to his rear-end is highly unusual for a member of the British royal family, who are known for the serious and professional way they carry out public duties, the prince is not the first royal to deploy icebreakers in such a way.
Queen Elizabeth II routinely made similar (if slightly more subtle) jokes to liven up serious royal photo-calls.
TikTok user, royal_secrets24, highlighted this in a video comparing William's icebreaker on Tuesday with an example of the prince's grandmother's filmed back in 2021.
During a meeting of the G7 in Cornwall, southwest England, Elizabeth posed with world leaders for an official photograph, with news cameras covering the event picking up her icebreaker of: "Are you supposed to be looking as if you are enjoying yourselves?"
In a similar response to the prince's joke, the world leaders, including French President Emmanuel Macron and Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, broke their stern expressions into laughing smiles.
William's interaction with the Windrush community in Cardiff extended beyond his icebreaker joke. The prince was filmed hugging his way through the members of group, though he jokingly said, per the Times of London: "I draw the line at kissing."
Later in the day, William and Kate both visited the Fitzalan High School in Cardiff, meeting with pupils to discuss how Black History Month is being marked in schools.
During a discussion with a group of students, Kate was heard asking about exams and how they were preparing. During this, she referenced her own children's school life, and her elder son, Prince George's, upcoming tests.
"George is just at the beginning of being tested. He says, 'Mummy, I keep getting tested all the time.' But when it gets to A-levels you feel like you're on it," she said, reported by People.
The Princess of Wales speaking to students at the Fitzalan High School in Cardiff, Wales, on October 3, 2023. The princess was overheard discussing Prince George's exams with students during the engagement. Chris Jackson/Getty ImagesTen-year-old George's education was pulled into public focus earlier this month when it was announced that Kate won't be attending the 2023 Earthshot Prize in Singapore in November with Prince William, as it will come during the young prince's exam period.
Kate attended the two previous Earthshot Prize awards ceremonies, in London in 2021, and Boston in 2022.
James Crawford-Smith is Newsweek's royal reporter, based in London. You can find him on Twitter at @jrcrawfordsmith and read his stories on Newsweek's The Royals Facebook page.
Do you have a question about King Charles III, William and Kate, Meghan and Harry, or their family that you would like our experienced royal correspondents to answer? Email royals@newsweek.Com. We'd love to hear from you.
Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.
Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.
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