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America's 10 Funniest Jokes
In this classic from our June 2009 magazine, eight comedy legends gather for a chaotic vote on the funniest jokes of all time
It's mayhem. Amid the clamor of pickle trays and pastrami-bearing waiters, eight old friends have gathered for their biweekly lunch. They're all talking over one another, and no one's listening. But somehow they can hear Arthur Hiller regaling Sid Caesar with a story about Billy Wilder. Gary Owens, Rocky Kalish and Matty Simmons croon ear-wrenching, plate-shattering harmony on the old Benny Goodman standard "Undecided." Hal Kanter and Monty Hall trade stories about working with Jimmy Stewart, both favorable and not ("Jimmy was a brigadier general during World War II, and he never let you forget it," says Kanter).
Any silence is filled by a Gatling gun salvo of one-liners from John Rappaport: "Hear the one about the Israeli newspaper reporter who yelled to his editor, 'Hold the back page!'?"
These eight comedy legends, ranging in age from their 60s to their 90s—and with about 422 years of comedy under their collective belt—meet every other week to kibitz, eat and reminisce. But mostly, they're there to exercise their comedy chops by cracking wise at every opportunity.
It's this group that Reader's Digest has asked to choose America's all-time best jokes. The magazine's editors have winnowed down the thousands of submissions our readers sent in. Our judges' job is to pick 10 from that collection. That is, if I can get them to concentrate on the jokes.
"Excuse me, excuse me!" I yell over the din. I begin handing out sheets of paper containing the gags. "Can we start with the jokes?"
Rappaport begins: "A guy goes to his doctor's office and says, 'Give it to me straight. I know I'm sick. How long do I have?' The doctor says, 'Ten …''Ten what?' asks the patient. 'Years? Months?' 'Nine … eight …'"
"That's a good joke. I vote for that one," says Hiller."It is a good joke, but it's not on our list," I say.
Rappaport peruses the list and offers to read the monk joke, which pits him against Hall, who also wants to read the monk joke. Instead of either reading the monk joke, they start telling their own favorite monk jokes. "Maybe we can read a joke from the list?" I suggest over the laughter.
Kalish taps a spoon against a glass of Dr. Brown's diet cream soda. "Point of order!" he shouts. That's what the guys yell when they want everyone's attention. It doesn't always work, but that's what they yell. "I'm going to read one," he says. "And remember, gentlemen, Reader's Digest is picking up the tab today, so you know what that means: Eat as much as you want."
Joke #1: No hiding the evidenceA man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, "How long have you been wearing that bra?" The friend replies, "Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment."—Submitted by Braeden Silvermist
They all laugh, except Kanter, who sneers, "It's so old.""It doesn't matter if it's old or not," I say. "The point is, is it funny?"
No one's listening, because the joke genie has been let out of the bottle, and the gags (none from our list) start flying.
Simmons begins: "A grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea." Caesar leans in to hear. He knows what's coming. They all do—it's their favorite joke from their stockpile of gags. "She pleads, 'Please, God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back.' With that, a big wave washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. The grandmother looks up to heaven and says, 'He had a hat!'"
"Very funny, but I want to give you a line read," says Rappaport. "It should be 'He had a hat.'""No, no, no," says Kanter. "It's 'He had a hat.'""'He had a hat,'" insists Rappaport."Then she's too angry," Kanter counters. "She's not angry—she just wants the damn hat back."
"Who'd like to read the next joke?""'He had a hat?'" Simmons tries. Owens finally launches into the next gag on the list, drawing it out for all its comic worth.
Joke #2: The dumb-blonde jokeA ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He's telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet."What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?" she demands. "What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?"Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology."You keep out of this!" she yells. "I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"—Submitted by Nancy Gomes
"Great," I say. "Who'd like to tell—"
"You know, that reminds me of a true story," says Owens. "It was in the '50s. The ventriloquist Rickie Layne and his dummy, Velvel, were onstage at the Copacabana. In the front row were some gangsters. Velvel starts insulting them. 'Hey, it looks like you slept in your clothes,' he says. 'Don't you make any money? Is that the best suit you can buy?' With each putdown, the mobsters are getting angrier and angrier. Suddenly, the owner of the nightclub, Jules Podell, a real tough guy, jumps onstage. He grabs the dummy and punches him so hard, his head rolls off. Podell then points at Velvel's head lying on the stage and says, 'One more joke like that and I'll kill you!'"
"True story," says Kalish, corroborating it between guffaws."Can we read another joke?" I ask.
"Anybody hear of a guy named Evil Eye Finkel?" says Kalish. In the '30s, Evil Eye's job was to go to boxing matches and fix some boxer with the evil eye in hopes of jinxing him.
The contest has now been hijacked by tales of all the Evil Eyes the guys have known. That's when I remind everyone that Reader's Digest will pick up the lunch tab only if they actually judge the gags. The men swallow their pickles, pick up their pens and take their jobs quite seriously, often bickering over votes cast.
"You actually like that one?" Kanter asks Simmons after the latter voices approval of the bra joke. Simmons, in turn, points out that Kanter had little company when he voted for an ill-fated gassy-granny joke.
Here, now, the rest of the 10 best jokes in America (in no particular order), as decided by our judges:
Joke #3: Heavenly looksIn surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. "Will I die?" she asks.God says, "No. You have 30 more years to live."With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she's in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great!The day she's discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed.Up in heaven, she sees God. "You said I had 30 more years to live," she complains."That's true," says God."So what happened?"God shrugs. "I didn't recognize you."—Submitted by Hank Chawansky
Joke #4: A grumpy monkEvery 10 years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it's one monk's first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, "Food bad."Ten years later, he says, "Bed hard."It's the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, "I quit.""I'm not surprised," the head monk says. "You've been complaining ever since you got here."—Submitted by Alan Lynch
Joke #5: The talking dogA guy spots a sign outside a house that reads "Talking Dog for Sale." Intrigued, he walks in."So what have you done with your life?" he asks the dog."I've led a very full life," says the dog. "I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home."The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog's owner, "Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?"The owner says, "Because he's a liar! He never did any of that!"—Submitted by Harry Nelson
Joke #6: Hunting accidentTwo hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing, and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911."I think my friend is dead!" he yells. "What can I do?"The operator says, "Calm down. First, let's make sure he's dead."There's a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Okay, now what?"—Submitted by Gerald Doka
Joke #7: Turtle gets muggedA turtle is crossing the road when he's mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, "I don't know. It all happened so fast."—Submitted by Debby Carter
Joke #8: Spooky musicA man is walking in a graveyard when he hears the Third Symphony played backward. When it's over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backward, and then the First. "What's going on?" he asks a cemetery worker."It's Beethoven," says the worker. "He's decomposing."—Submitted by Jeremy Hone
Joke #9: A priest, a minister and a rabbi …A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.""I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached God's holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him."They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."—Submitted by Mitchell Hauser
Joke #10: Canine concernsA poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. "My life is a mess," he says. "My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer and I'm as jittery as a cat.""Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?" suggests the collie."I can't," says the poodle. "I'm not allowed on the couch."—Submitted by L.B. Weinstein
TikTok Has Mixed Reactions To Groom's Phone Reading 'Help Me' During Wedding
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Source: Claudia Casal / Getty
TikTok users were divided over whether it was funny that a groom's phone read "HELP ME!!!!" in all capital letter's during what appeared to be his wedding ceremony.
A clip shared by LAD Bible back in 2022 showed the couple kneeling together in a place of worship with their backs turned to their wedding guests. Outside the bride's view, the groom held his phone behind his back and "HELP ME!!!!" ran across the screen.
Many TikTok users took the cry for help as an extremely lame joke played by the groom on his bride so he and their guests would laugh at her and not with her on her special day. They argued that if the man had pulled the cruel prank on them, it would have immediately resulted in a divorce or annulment.
TikTok users were confused by the groom's seemingly inappropriate and immature display. The netizens didn't understand the humor in embarrassing a bride on her wedding day. Moreover, others didn't think expressing hate or disdain for your wife was funny, especially at the wedding.
"Idk where the humor in the whole 'I hate my wife' trope [is] but do you."
"I don't see why the 'husband wants to get away from wife' thing is so popular?"
There was a significant number of people who stood up for the groom and thought his "HELP ME!!!!" joke was comedic gold.
They argued that the man's sense of humor is likely why the couple made it to the altar in the first place.
"As a woman, I find this funny. I don't see why anyone's mad about this. I'm sure she knows his humor before marrying him."
"He obviously has an awesome sense of humor and I guess, so does she. She knows the man she is marrying. I love people who can make you laugh."
"That's hilarious! She will always have next to her someone who likes to make her and other people laugh."
Possibly most interestingly, several wondered if the man's "HELP ME!!!!" was a real, last-ditch effort to escape a sinister situation before the couple became lovers for life through marriage.
"We're laughing but what if it's real?"
"It's all fun and games until you realize he actually needed help."
"Because it's a man doing it ppl find it funny, but if a [woman] was doing that they would immediately assume the man [is abusive] and she needs help."
"He realizes he can say no right?"
Hopefully, the "HELP ME!!!!" sign was just a joke — even if in poor taste.How would you react if you saw the groom pull a prank like that at the altar? Sound off in the comments!
RELATED CONTENT: "Groom Disrespectfully Texts On His Cell Phone While Walking Down The Aisle"
75 Funny Halloween Puns That'll Get All The Guys And Ghouls Howling
October 31 will be here before you know it. Whether you're looking for funny Halloween costume puns you can tell trick-or-treaters when they knock or silly Halloween puns for Instagram captions, these silly Halloween puns for kids and adults will make even the meanest old witch crack a toothy grin.
So if your current repertoire of Halloween puns and costume puns isn't up to snuff, don't give everyone a fright by sharing your dreadful tricks anyway. Step up your haunting game this year and give these 75 howl-arious Halloween jokes and puns a whirl instead.
Halloween Puns1. Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
2. What's a vampire's favorite fruit? A neck-tarine!
3. Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
4. What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
5. Why do vampires need mouthwash? They have bat breath!
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6. What do you call a haunted chicken? A poultry-geist!
7. What is the skeleton's funniest bone? Its humerus.
8. What do vegan zombies eat? GRAAAAAAAAAINS.
9. Why are all mummies workaholics? They're afraid to unwind.
10. Why won't vampires prey on snowmen? They'll get frostbite.
11. What do you get when you divide your jack-o'-lantern's circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
12. What did the skeleton say to the gathering of ghosts when he revealed that he has not been tricked? I can see right through you!
Related: 200+ Funny Jokes for Kids
13. Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
14. Why don't ghouls like lentils? They prefer human-beans.
15. How did the great pumpkin fix his jeans? With a pumpkin patch.
16. What is a skeleton's favorite instrument? The Xlylo-bone!
17. Why do spirits have low self-esteem? They have no body to love!
18. Why did the witch look so angry? She has a resting witch face!
19. Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
20. Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
21. What is a ghost's favorite band? The Grateful Dead.
22. How can you tell if a vampire has been to a bakery recently? All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.
23. Where do ghosts like to go swimming? Lake Erie.
24. The maker of this product does not want it. The buyer does not use it. And the user does not see it. What is it? A coffin.
25. What's a ghost's favorite dessert? I scream.
Halloween Costume Puns26. How do spiders communicate? Through the word wide web!
27. What can you say about a terrible mummy joke? It Sphinx!
28. Who's the world's best skeleton detective? Sherlock Bones!
29. What do you call a skeleton who refuses to help you clean? Lazy bones.
30. What was the witch's favorite subject in school? Spelling.
31. What kind of mistakes do ghosts make? Boo boos.
32. What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash!
33. Where did the mommy ghost take the baby ghost? To the dayscare center.
34. What did the skeleton bring to the potluck? Spare ribs.
35. What kind of phone do witches use? A touch-toad phone.
36. What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
37. Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo!
38. Why did the police officer write the ghost a ticket on Halloween? It didn't have a haunting license!
39. Why are skeletons always so calm? Nothing gets under their skin.
40. Why should you always trust a mummy with your secrets? They can keep anything under wraps.
41. What did the werewolf eat right after he got his teeth cleaned? The dentist.
42. What do ghosts eat for supper? Spooketi.
43. What did one confident ghost say to the other? If you've got it, haunt it.
44. Why are vampires so good at baseball? They bring their own bats.
45. How do vampires get around on Halloween? On blood vessels.
46. What do you call a witch's garage? A broom closet.
47. Why do girl ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
48. What part of the street do vampires live on? The dead end!
49. When is it bad luck to see a black cat headed toward you? When you're a mouse.
50. What's it like to be kissed by a vampire? It's a pain in the neck.
Funny Halloween Puns51. What should you eat at a baseball game on Halloween? A frakenfurter!
52. What do skeletons like to do on the weekend? They love binge-watching their favorite shows on the skele-vision!
53. Why couldn't the ghost see its mom and dad? Because they were Trans-Parents!
54. What plants like Halloween the most? Bam-BOO!
55. How are witches able to stay so positive? Witch-ful thinking!
Related: 100 Best Dad Jokes
56. What did the vampire say after he graduated college? Fangs for the memories.
57. What are a ghost's favorite ride at the fair? The Scary-Go-Round!
58. Why did the horseman from Sleepy Hollow go to business school? He wanted to get a head in life.
59. Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get some boos.
60. Want to know what you'll find on a haunted beach? A Sand-witch!
61. What do you call a cleaning skeleton? The Grim-Sweeper.
62. What is a goblin's favorite cheese? Monster-ella.
63. What is a vampire's favorite dance? The Fang-o.
64. What do birds give out on Halloween? Tweets.
65. What did the zombie say after his friend told him a few cheesy jokes? Haha, these are killing me!
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66. What is a vampire's favorite type of dog? A bloodhound.
67. What do you call two witches living together? Broommates.
68. Why does Dracula love going to the circus? He loves the Juggler!
69. What happens when a ghost blows its nose? He gets rid of all his boo-gers.
70. Why was the ghost sad on Valentine's Day? He couldn't find a boo!
71. Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?He was outstanding in his field.
72. Why don't mummies take time off? They're afraid to unwind.
73. Why are ghosts so happy when they're in an elevator? It lifts their spirits.
74. What do ghosts use to wash their hair with? Sham-boo!
75. What kind of key does a ghost use to unlock the house? A spoo-key.
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