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These Dad Jokes Are So Bad, They're Good
What do you call a fake dad? A faux pas. Did you hear about the bossy man at the bar? He ordered everyone a round. Why did the girl bring a ladder on the bus? She wanted to go to high school.
Admit it. You're groaning right now. We don't blame you. But that's what dad jokes are all about and we're just getting started with the corny one-liners. Trust us when we tell you, there are plenty more where those came from. And all of 'em are guaranteed to make you smile or at the very least, inspire a bad case of the giggles.
Before we get started, however, we're wondering if you've ever had a bad sausage. If you have, then you probably know that they're the wurst.
Thank you, thank you very much. We'll be here all week.
Whether you're doing a stand-up routine for your pals or entertaining the kids at home, this compilation of dad-tastic jokes will keep the laughs coming all day, every day.
Better yet, these bad-but-good jokes are just right for adults, kids, friends, relatives (even the ones you don't like) and just about everyone else.
From something short and to the point or complex enough to compete with your own dad's jokes, you're sure to find it here. So, settle in, grab a needle and thread because you're about to be in stitches.
Funny dad jokes for all agesWhat do you call a fake dad? A faux pas.
How do you make an eggroll? You push it.
I've never been a fan of facial hair. But now it's starting to grow on me.
Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory? Unfortunately, many soles were lost.
What do you call a pig who knows how to use a knife? A pork chop.
What kind of fish knows how to do an appendectomy? A Sturgeon.
How do you hire a horse? Put up a ladder.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water? Because it was a little horse.
Is there anything worse than when it's raining cats and dogs? Yes, hailing taxis.
Dad Jokes
How many apples can you grow on a tree? All of them.
My manager told me to have a good day. So I didn't go into work.
What do kids play when they have nothing else to do? Bored games.
What did the boy say to his fingers? I'm counting on you.
What kind of music do elves listen to? Wrap music.
What does cake and baseball have in common? They both need a batter.
When does Friday come before Thursday? In the dictionary.
What did the tree say when spring finally arrived? What a re-leaf.
How can you tell if a pig is hot? It's bacon.
Dad Jokes
Did you hear about the guy who afraid of hurdles? He got over it.
Why did the drum go to bed? It was beat.
What do you call a rude cow? Beef jerky.
Have you ever had a bad sausage? It's the wurst.
Did you hear about the guy who drank invisible ink? He's at the hospital waiting to be seen.
How do you get a squirrel's attention? Act like a nut.
Did you hear about the cat that ate a lemon? Now it's a sour puss.
What did one volcano say to the other? I lava you.
Why did the computer catch cold? It left a window open.
How do mice floss their teeth? With string cheese.
How do you cook an alligator? With a croc-pot.
What did the earthquake say when it was done? Sorry, my fault!
Dad Jokes
Why did the computer go to bed? It needed to crash.
What do you give the dentist of the year? A little plaque.
What should you do to prevent dry skin? Use a towel.
How can you tell when a comic passes gas? Something smells funny.
What kind of bug can tell time? A clock-roach.
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener.
What do pigs use to clean up? Hogwash.
What's a pirate's favorite letter? You'd think it's the "R," but it's really the "C."
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. Summer wasn't too bad either.
When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.
What's a zebra? A couple sizes bigger than an A.
Did you hear about the bossy man at the bar? He ordered everyone around.
Dad Jokes
Did you hear about the broken guitar for sale? It comes with no strings attached.
I wanted to take a bath, but decided to leave it where it is.
Once I read a book about glue. I couldn't put it down.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
Why'd the roofer go to the doctor? He had shingles.
Did you hear about the woman who couldn't stop collecting magazines? She had issues.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.
What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.
What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.
What's the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.
Dad Jokes
Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.
Where do armies belong? In your sleevies.
What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.
Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.
What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
Dad Jokes
Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.
Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.
What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.
Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.
What do you call a cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese!
How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!
Why did the girl bring a ladder on the bus? She wanted to go to high school.
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one.
Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggie.
Dad Jokes
How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.
What's more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.
Why shouldn't you trust trees? They seem shady.
How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.
What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music.
Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.
Dad Jokes
How do you get an astronaut's baby to stop crying? You rocket.
What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID.
Why shouldn't you play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.
How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card.
Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.
Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.
Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn't putting in enough shifts.
Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He's all right now.
Dad Jokes
Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!
What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.
What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved.
What did one wall say to the other? I'll meet you at the corner.
Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.
Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.
Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.
Why can't you trust a balloon? It's full of hot air.
Dad Jokes
A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!
Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That's just how eye roll.
Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn't peeling well.
Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop.
What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It's pasture bed time.
Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it's pointless.
Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.
Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store.
Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.
What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.
Dad Jokes
What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide.
How do you organize a space party? You planet.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.
What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.
What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.
Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn't see the ewe turn.
Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed.
What is a calendar's favorite food? Dates.
Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans.
Dad Jokes
Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs.
Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.
How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.
Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website.
What did the blanket say to the bed? I've got you covered.
What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one's on the house.
What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows
Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.
How do birds learn to fly? They wing it.
Dad Jokes
Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.
Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.
What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.
What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I'm coming down with something.
What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.
What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.
Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts.
Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.
Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.
Dad Jokes
What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.
What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints.
What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked.
What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.
What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.
Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.
What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.
How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.
Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field.
Dad Jokes
Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.
Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base.
What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let's stick together.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.
How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.
Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.
Can February March? No, but April May!
What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion.
Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!
Dad Jokes
Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.
What's a scarecrow's favorite fruit? Straw-berries
Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.
What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn.
Why was the broom late? It over-swept.
What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.
Where do books hide when they're afraid? Under their covers.
How do trees get on the internet? They log in.
What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.
What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk.
What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs.
Dad Jokes
How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch.
How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks.
What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms.
What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs.
Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.
What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese.
What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown.
Dad Jokes
What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say "cheese."
Why couldn't the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.
What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.
Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose.
What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.
How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.
What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.
What did one leaf say to the other? I'm falling for you.
Where's the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.
How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.
What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta.
Dad Jokes
Best dad jokes for adultsWhy did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.
Why do birds fly south? Because it's too far to walk.
What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.
Dogs can't operate MRI machines — but cats-can.
If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?
I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I'll have a grape.
Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water.
Dad Jokes
It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.
Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.
I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.
Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.
Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits.
Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change.
Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don't freeze their buns.
Why didn't the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.
What do you call someone who can't stick to a diet? A desserter.
Dad Jokes
Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.
Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean's bottom.
Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job.
I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.
Why can't you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.
I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn't find any.
Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.
I haven't talked to my wife in a week — I didn't want to interrupt her.
Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.
I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!
Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.
What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.
How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.
Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.
The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
This article was originally published on TODAY.Com
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These Thanksgiving Jokes Will Have Kids And Adults Yamming It Up This Year
You ever wonder what sweet potatoes wear to bed? It's yammies, of course.
If April showers bring May flowers, then what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims!
Knock, knock! Who's there? Anita. Anita who? Anita bigger pair of pants, I ate too much on Thanksgiving.
We see you. You're the one laughing out loud at these dumb-but-funny Thanksgiving jokes. Even if you aren't, we're guessing you at least cracked a smile. How could you not? Dad jokes are seriously the best and since it's Thanksgiving and all, who can't use a little extra humor?
Fortunately, we've got all the corny jokes, knock-knocks and funny puns on turkey, parades, Pilgrims and everything else Turkey Day-related that you need to get through the holiday. And we guarantee, once you start telling these bad-but-good jokes, friends and family will be absolutely pie-ning for more.
Notice how we slid in yet another Thanksgiving pun right there? We can't help it because now that it 'tis the season, there's no better way to celebrate than with a few ho-ho-ho's.
Since we're sure you'll agree, we've collected the best of the best Thanksgiving jokes for telling around the dinner table, during football commercials or anytime you want to give your guests pumpkin, er, we mean something to laugh about.
The best part? There's no fowl language involved. Just good clean fun for kids and adults this Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving jokes for kidsDid you hear about pumpkin pie that apologized? It was a piece offering.
What's blue and covered in feathers? A turkey holding its breath.
What does the turkey do on the computer? Google, Google!
What do you call a turkey the day after Thanksgiving? Lucky!
Thanksgiving Jokes
What did the Thanksgiving turkey say to the Christmas ham? Nice to meat you.
What do cows do on Thanksgiving? Eat dinner and watch a moo-vie.
What do sweet potatoes wear to bed? Yammies.
What do you need to make Thanksgiving s'mores? Pil-grahms.
If fruit comes from fruit trees, where do turkeys come from? Poul-trees.
How do little pumpkins cross the road? With a crossing gourd.
Why is corn so popular on Thanksgiving? Because it's a-maize-ing.
What should you expect at the end of Thanksgiving? The letter "g."
Thanksgiving Jokes
What comes at the beginning of parades? The letter "p."
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.
Did you hear about the scarecrow who won first prize? It was outstanding in its field.
What did the Pilgrims use to make cookies on Thanksgiving? May flour.
What smells the best on Thanksgiving? Your nose.
Why don't side dishes tell jokes? They're too corny.
Where did the Pilgrims stand after landing on Plymouth Rock? On their feet.
What did one pumpkin pie say to the other? You wanna piece of me?
What do you call a sad cranberry? A blueberry.
What did the autumn leaf say to the tree? I'm falling for you.
Thanksgiving Jokes
Did you hear about the Thanksgiving engagement ring? It's 24 carrots.
What happens when potatoes drink too much? They get mashed.
What kind of music do Pilgrims listen to? Plymouth rock.
Why did the cranberry blush? It saw the turkey dressing.
Why should you never tell secrets in a cornfield? Because the corn has ears.
What did the pumpkin say to the squash? Oh my gourd!
Thanksgiving Jokes
What did the scarecrow wear to Thanksgiving? A har-vest.
What's the best way to fix a broken pumpkin? Use a pumpkin patch.
What did one turkey say to the other? Let's get basted!
How do Pilgrims kick a bad habit? They stop cold turkey.
Knock, knock! Who's there? Norma Lee. Norma Lee who? Norma Lee I don't eat this much.
Knock, knock! Who's there? Arthur. Arthur who? Arthur any more cranberries?
Knock, knock! Who's there? Annie. Annie who? Annie body want pumpkin pie?
Thanksgiving Jokes
Knock, knock! Who's there? Argue. Argue who? Argue going to pass the gravy or what?
Knock, knock! Who's there? Gwen. Gwen who? Gwen is Thanksgiving dinner? I'm hungry!
Knock, knock! Who's there? Dewey. Dewey who? Dewey have to sit at the kid's table again?
Knock, knock! Who's there? Dozen. Dozen who? Dozen anybody else want pie?
Knock, knock! Who's there? Mustache. Mustache who? I mustache you to carve the turkey.
Thanksgiving Jokes
Knock, knock! Who's there? Aida. Aida who? Aida lot of food and now I'm stuffed.
Knock, knock! Who's there? Noah. Noah who? Noah good pumpkin pie recipe?
Knock, knock! Who's there? Harry. Harry who? Harry up, I'm hungry!
Knock, knock! Who's there? Holly. Holly who? Holly-days are the best time of year.
Knock, knock! Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you going to pass the gravy?
Knock, knock! Who's there? Anita. Anita who? Anita nap, I'm stuffed!
Knock, knock! Who's there? Hatch. Hatch who? Sorry you've got a cold on Thanksgiving!
Thanksgiving Jokes
Knock, knock! Who's there? Justin. Justin who? Justin time for dessert.
Knock, knock! Who's there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in, it's Thanksgiving.
Knock, knock! Who's there? Anita. Anita who? Anita bigger pair of pants, I ate too much on Thanksgiving.
Knock, knock! Who's there? A herd. A herd who? A herd you were hosting Thanksgiving this year.
Knock, knock! Who's there? Tanks. Tanks who? Tanksgiving is here!
What does a limping turkey say? Wobble, wobble.
What's the best way to stuff a turkey? Serve it pizza and ice cream.
What do you call a turkey on the run? Fast food.
Thanksgiving Jokes
Did you hear about the turkey fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him.
What's a turkey's favorite dessert? Apple gobbler.
What's a Pilgrim's favorite dance? The Turkey Trot.
Why did the turkey become a percussionist? It already had the drumsticks.
If leaves come from trees, where do turkeys come from? Poultries.
Thanksgiving Jokes
What do turkeys say on Thanksgiving? Moo.
Did you hear about the turkey who went to jail? It was arrested for fowl play.
Why did the turkey refuse to eat dinner? It was stuffed.
Why did the turkey get detention? It used fowl language.
Did you hear about the turkey prom? It was a Butterball.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself.
Thanksgiving Jokes
How do turkeys cross the ocean? On a gravy boat.
Did you hear the one about the rude turkey? It was jerk-y.
How do turkeys search the internet? They use Gobble.
Why did the turkey cross the road? It was following the chicken.
Why was the turkey expelled from the game? It committed a fowl.
Why didn't the chef season the turkey? There wasn't enough thyme.
How did the turkey get home for Thanksgiving? It took the gravy train.
What do turkeys use to serve wine? A gob-let.
Did you hear about the turkey haunted house? It had a poultry-giest.
How many cooks do you need to stuff a turkey? Just one, but sometimes they don't fit.
This article was originally published on TODAY.Com
Miss Manners: How Can I Cut Off Questions About Adopted Son's Hair?
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are in the process of adopting my sweet 2-year-old nephew. He has lived with us since he was 7 weeks old, due to my sister and brother-in-law's inability to care for him.
He is the sweetest, happiest child you could ever want to know, and has bright red hair. This garners him a ton of attention when we are out in public. We get several comments and questions, mostly about his hair, every time we leave the house.
The most common question is something along the lines of, "Where did he get that hair?" My husband and I don't have a great response.
I can technically say that his hair color runs in the family, but I don't really want to get into the adoption story with a random stranger. We will of course tell him that he is adopted, but not until it's age-appropriate. Now is not the time to tell him his aunt is really his birth mom.
Do you have any suggestions for how we can respond to this intrusive question quickly and easily?
GENTLE READER: Many redheads do not have a redheaded parent, so answering that it "runs in the family" should hardly raise an eyebrow.
However, as genetics is not always so accommodating, Miss Manners will remind everyone to think twice before asking such silly questions.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My extended family members live in different countries, and therefore I don't have direct contact with my nephews' small children. I love to send a gift for each child's birthday; however, I like to ask the parents their opinions first -- if the toy I'm considering is safe for the child's age, if the child would like it, etc.
As we live thousands of kilometers from each other, I must make these purchases online. So in order to ask questions, I send the parents a link so they can see the product. However, this also shows the price. It feels like I am asking the parents about the cost, which is not my intention.
Should I send an image that hides the price? Or is the information more important than disclosing the price?
GENTLE READER: There are, no doubt, technical solutions to your dilemma, but as no sensible reader comes to Miss Manners for computer advice, she will presume such options are not available.
Instead, she recommends both describing the item and asking your questions in your written communication. If necessary, you could even mention the specific brand and model. Such an approach emphasizes the primacy of the thought over the price -- by demonstrating that you are willing to forego the convenience of just forwarding another link.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Conversation-wise, what is the best way for everyone to ride in a car when a married couple is driving a single friend? Two in front? Two in back? Rotate every few minutes?
GENTLE READER: Friend in the passenger seat, spouse in back is least likely to result in the guest's feeling left out of the conversation.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.Missmanners.Com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.Com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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