With 12 siblings, comic Zainab Johnson has plenty to joke about in ...
Dog Jokes
Penn Jillette, the chatty half of the magic duo Penn & Teller, shared with us his favorite clean joke: Two racehorses are in a stable. One says to the other, "You know, before that last race …" "The one that you won?" asks the other horse. "Yeah, before that race, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters." The other horse says, "Funny, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters before the race that I won." A dog walking by says, "You idiots, you're being doped. They're injecting you with a drug to make you faster!" The first horse turns to the other and says, "Hey, a talking dog!"
Penn Jillette, the chatty half of the magic duo Penn & Teller, shared with us his favorite clean joke: Two racehorses are in a stable. One says to the other,...
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Kids' Jokes
The Best Kids' Jokes: Funny Jokes for KidsSkip to main content
Nothing makes a parent happier than seeing his or her child laugh. Share these funny jokes for kids and best kids jokes with your mini-me. You may want to even try these corny dad jokes for a smirk and an eye-roll.
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52 Best New Year's Jokes For Adults And Kids
Welcome 2024 With Laughter Thanks to These JokesRidofranz - Getty Images
There are a lot of things you can do for good luck on New Year's Day. You can wear special colors, eat certain foods and follow some great traditions from around the world. But if you want to bring laughter and joy into 2024, the easiest and best way to do that is with a few New Year's jokes.
We've compiled a list of hilarious one-liners, dad jokes and more that you'll can share with friends and family on New Year's Eve. While you can always spit off a few at a gathering and make them part of your New Year toast, you can also spread the cheer with your social media followers by incorporating some funny sayings into your Instagram captions or even sending out holiday cards and text messages with humorous New Year's wishes.
Most of the jokes here are good for kids, but there might be a few that go over their heads and are best for adults. So take a scroll through and see which one (or two, or three!) makes you laugh out loud the most. Fair-warning, though, so of these might also make your corny joke list.
What do you tell someone you didn't see on New Year's Eve?I haven't seen you for a year!
Good Housekeeping
My dad gave up smoking cold turkey for New Year's.He's doing better now but.. He's still coughing up feathers.
Good Housekeeping
Why do you need a jeweler on New Year's Eve?To ring in the new year.
Good Housekeeping
What was Dr. Frankenstein's New Year's resolution?To make new friends.
Good Housekeeping
What do snowmen like to do on New Year's Eve?Chill out!
Good Housekeeping
Last year, I was able to keep all of my New Year's resolutions...tucked away in a journal on my bookshelf.
Good Housekeeping
What do you call someone who says they know all the words to "Auld Lang Syne"?A liar.
Good Housekeeping
What did the chef make for his New Year's dinner?New Year's filet.
Good Housekeeping
I made a New Year's resolution to drink more water.So far I've only gotten as far as "drink more."
Good Housekeeping
Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve.Middle age is when you're forced to.
Good Housekeeping
What New Year's resolution should a basketball player never make?To travel more.
Good Housekeeping
Did you hear about the guy who started fixing breakfast at midnight on Dec. 31?He wanted to make a New Year's toast!
Good Housekeeping
Why did the man sprinkle sugar on his pillow on New Year's Eve?He wanted to start the year with sweet dreams.
Good Housekeeping
My resolution was to read more...So I put the subtitles on my TV.
Good Housekeeping
Knock Knock. Who's there? Radio.Radio who? Radio not, its a new year.
Good Housekeeping
What should people never eat on New Year's Eve?Fire crackers.
Good Housekeeping
In what year did Christmas Day and New Year's Day fall in the same year?Every year!
Good Housekeeping
What's the one group that hates New Year's Day?The New Year's Eve clean-up crew.
Good Housekeeping
Knock knock. Who's there? Cheese.Cheese who? For cheese a jolly good fellow.
Good Housekeeping
This New Year I resolve to be less awesome...Since that is really the only thing I do in excess.
Good Housekeeping
What did the cat say on New Year's Eve?"Meow."
Good Housekeeping
Why do birds fly south for New Year's Eve?It's too far to walk.
Danielle Carson
Not to brag, but I already have a date for New Year's Eve.It's December 31st.
Danielle Carson
My New Year's resolution is to stop procrastinating.But I'll wait until tomorrow to start.
Danielle Carson
New Year?I just got used to this last one!
Danielle Carson
"I promise not to make any bad jokes for the rest of the year."— A dad on New Year's Eve.
Danielle Carson
What do you call always wanting a date for New Year's Eve?Social Security.
Danielle Carson
Why should you put your new calendar in the freezer?To start off the new year in a cool way.
Danielle Carson
What does a ghost say on January 1st?Happy Boo Year!
Danielle Carson
What's the problem with jogging on New Year's Eve?The ice falls out of your drinks!
Danielle Carson
I love when they drop the ball in Times Square...... It's a nice reminder of what I did all year.
Hearst Owned
Knock knock. Who's there? Abby.Abby who? Abby New Year!
Hearst Owned
My New Year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full...... With either rum, vodka or whiskey.
Danielle Carson
What is corn's favorite holiday?New Ear's Day.
Danielle Carson
What's a cow's favorite holiday?Moo Year's Day!
Hearst Owned
I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year...... But then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.
Hearst Owned
At the beginning of this year I made a New Year's resolution to lose 10 pounds...... Only 15 more to go!
Hearst Owned
What is a New Year's resolution?Something that goes in one year and out the other.
Hearst Owned
What's the best New Year's resolution?1080p.
Hearst Owned
My New Year's resolution is to break my New Year's resolutions.That way I succeed at something!
Hearst Owned
What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on New Year's Eve?He got 12 months!
Hearst Owned
An iPhone and a firework were arrested on New Year's Eve.One was charged and the other was let off.
Hearst Owned
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?Pop!
Hearst Owned
Where can you find comedians on New Year's Eve?Waiting for the punchline.
Hearst Owned
Every New Year's Eve, I look forward to a good show at Time's Square...... And year after year, they drop the ball.
Hearst Owned
Let's celebrate New Year's Eve...... By making many pour decisions!
Hearst Owned
I would lose weight for my New Year's resolution...... But I hate losing.
Hearst Owned
What do you call someone named Stephen on Dec 31?New Year's Steve!
Hearst Owned
Why was 6 afraid of 9 on New Year's Eve?Because 9, 8, 7...
Hearst Owned
Who gets the most excited about the New Year's Eve countdown?Calendar companies.
Hearst Owned
What do New Year's parades have in common with Santa Claus?No one is ever awake to see them.
Hearst Owned
Dracula passed out at midnight on New Year's Eve;there was a count down.
Hearst Owned
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