Dad jokes

105 Jokes For Dark Humor Enthusiasts Only

A good dark humor joke is just brazen enough without losing its purpose: to be funny. Part of this involves choosing your audience (translation: those not easily offended) and picking the right time to deliver your punchline. Midway through a fight is maybe not the best moment for dark humor, but joking around during a long car ride will surely liven up the mood.

Here, we've got a dark humor joke for all facets of life. There are your typical dark humor antics about marriage, dating, and family. There are also ones about work and money.

Still trying to decide what to go for? A punny dark humor joke or a general interest quip is always a good bet. Who wouldn't laugh when asked, Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Answer: Because they have no body to go with. It's just the right amount of disturbing and silly.

Ready to test some material on your friends and family? Behold, our picks for the best dark humor jokes out there.

Marriage dark humor jokes

I haven't talked to my wife in a week — I didn't want to interrupt her.

My husband says I'm too competitive. I told him I already knew that.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine?

I went to see my dentist and he warned me it was going to hurt. He ended up telling me he was having an affair with my wife.

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.

A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, "I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!"

Wife: "I'm pregnant." Husband: "Hi pregnant, I'm dad." Wife: "No, you're not."

My marriage counselor asked if it was true that I generally wake up grumpy in the morning. I said, "Nah, most of the time I just let him sleep."

Dark Humor Jokes

Wife: "I want another baby." Husband: "That's a relief, I also really don't like this one."

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

I just came across my wife's Tinder profile and I'm so angry about her lies. She is not "fun to be around."

My wife says making love is even better on vacation. I wish she didn't tell me via email.

Work dark humor jokes

The most corrupt CEOs are those of the pretzel companies. They're always so twisted.

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to upset you.

Dark Humor Jokes

I have many jokes about unemployed people — sadly none of them work.

Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever's bugging you.

You're not completely useless. You can always serve as a bad example.

My boss says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.

Dark Humor Jokes

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

Teamwork is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.

I always tell new hires, don't think of me as your boss, think of me as a friend who can fire you.

Patient: Oh doctor, I'm just so nervous. This is my first operation. Doctor: Don't worry. Mine too.

Dark Humor Jokes

To err is human, to blame it on someone else shows management potential.

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

I asked the corporate wellness officer, "Can you teach me yoga?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

Dark Humor Jokes

Family dark humor jokes

My parents raised me as an only child. Which really infuriated my sister.

My mom died when we couldn't remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to "be positive," but it's hard without her.

Dark Humor Jokes

A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched with tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, "That's arson."

Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? "Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket."

At home, they treat me like God. I'm generally ignored until someone wants something.

My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, "You'll be next!" They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

Dark Humor Jokes

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don't live in a swing state.

Son: "Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?" Dad: "Call me George."

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

I childproofed my house. Somehow they still got in!

My grandma has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Dark Humor Jokes

I'll never forget my Grandfather's last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?"

I'd like to have kids one day. I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.

What do you call headphones that walk out on their children? Deadbeats.

Dark Humor Jokes

Today I made a decision to go to my childhood house. I asked the residents if I may come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, however, they refused and slammed the door on my face. My mother and father are the worst.

My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.

What does my dad have in common with Nemo? They both can't be found.

Dark Humor Jokes

Dating jokes

When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.

Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a school bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

"I was talking to my therapist and he goes, 'You tend to pursue damaged people and try to help them.' I was like, 'You too.'"

My boyfriend broke up with me because he said I was too mysterious. Or did he?

Dark Humor Jokes

Today, I asked my phone "Siri, why am I still single?" and it activated the front camera.

They say the surest way to a man's heart is through the stomach. But, I find going through the ribcage a lot easier.

My girlfriend's birthday is in a week and she said, "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond ring!" So I got her nothing.

My boyfriend said to me the other day, "If anything ever happens to me, I want you to meet someone new." Apparently, getting stuck in traffic doesn't count as "anything."

Money dark humor jokes

When we were kids, we used to be afraid of the dark. But when we grew up, the electricity bill made us afraid of the light!

I saw a sign that said "Watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade."

Dark Humor Jokes

I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99 percent of you will never get it.

I won $3 million on the lottery so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.

Punny dark humor jokes

Why did Mozart hate all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach."

A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree complains. "I'm a talking tree!" The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

Dark Humor Jokes

Why did the man miss the funeral? He wasn't a mourning person.

What's the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly a clown into the tiny automobile.

Why is the ocean so salty? Probably because the land doesn't wave back.

When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Dark Humor Jokes

Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you're prepared for the reaper cushions.

When my uncle Frank died, he needed his ashes to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His final wish was to be Frank in Stein.

A man just assaulted me with milk, butter, and cheese. How dairy.

My boss said to me, "You're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?" I said, "I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track."

Dark Humor Jokes

Did you hear about the guy who got his left side chopped off? He's all right now!

Why do vampires seem sick? They're always coffin.

Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to hit you. That's the punch line.

The only idea that flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.

Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.

Dark Humor Jokes

General dark humor jokes

I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

Dark Humor Jokes

Remember, being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible.

I was reading a great book about an immortal cat the other day. It was impossible to put down.

First rule of Vegan Club: You tell everyone about Vegan Club.

You know you're not well-liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.

I told my psychiatrist that I'd been hearing voices. He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.

"Just say no to drugs!" Well, if I'm talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.

What do you call an inexpensive circumcision? A rip-off.

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let's make this interesting." So we stopped playing chess.

A limbo champion walks into a bar. He's disqualified.

"Indecisive" is my favorite word. Actually, no, it isn't.

Dark Humor Jokes

I was at the bank going to withdraw money from my account when the clerk told me I had an outstanding balance. I told her, "Thank you, I did gymnastics as a kid."

Want to know how you make any salad into a caesar salad? Stab it 23 times.

What's worse than biting into an apple and discovering a worm? Biting into an apple and discovering half a worm.

When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepare their chicken. "Nothing special," he explained. "We just tell them they're going to die."

Dark Humor Jokes

Did you hear about Pillsbury Doughboy? He died of a yeast infection.

I don't have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.

What did Kermit the Frog say at his puppeteer's funeral? Not a word.

Cremation. My final hope for a smokin' hot body!

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

What rhymes with "boo" and stinks? You.

Dark Humor Jokes

Why are cigarettes good for the environment? They kill people.

Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

The cemetery is so crowded. People are just dying to get in.

Welcome back to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today!

I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.

"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.

Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.

Dark Humor Jokes

I told myself I needed to stop drinking so much. But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo who talks to themself.

What do you call someone who won't stop raving about how the world is going to end? A climate scientist.

Why are friends a lot like snow? If you pee on them, they disappear.

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don't even care.

This article was originally published on TODAY.Com

33 Best Mitch Hedberg Quotes, Jokes, And One-liners

Mitch Hedberg was a stand-up comedian from the United States. He was famous for his surreal humour and one-liners. His jokes and quotes left his fans rolling on the floor. Discover some of the best Mitch Hedberg quotes, jokes, and one-liners to share with loved ones.

Comedian Mitch Hedberg performing at the UCF Arena on 7 April 2004 at UCF Arena in Orlando, Florida, United States. Photo: Cy Cyr (modified by author)Source: Getty Images

Mitch was born in St. Paul, Minnesota in 1968. He started his comedy career in the 90s, getting his big break in the Late Show with David Letterman. He passed away in 2005 at the age of 37 years old. Here are some of the best Mitch Hedberg jokes that will leave you chuckling.

Mitch Hedberg quotes

Mitch Hedberg was one of the best stand-up comedians. His punchlines to his jokes always cracked his fans. Below are funny quotes from Mitch Hedberg you will enjoy.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy all day.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

If I had a dollar for every time, I said that I'd be making money in a very weird way.

I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry, and you want 2,000 of something.

You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.

I don't have a girlfriend, but I know a woman who would get really angry if she heard me say that.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

Read also

"Why I repeat clothes": Actress Kitan Bukola gives fashion tips, speaks on 2024 plans

Best Mitch Hedberg quotes Mitch Hedberg posing for a photo at the UCF Arena on 7 April 2004 in Orlando, Florida, United States. (modified by author)Source: Getty Images

If you are a fan of Mitch Hedberg jokes, you will enjoy the quotes below. They touch on various aspects of life, making them relatable.

A severed foot is the perfect stocking stuffer.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant because the customer is always right.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having.

Dogs are forever in the push-up position.

Hillarious Mitch Hedberg jokes Mitch Hedberg performs in Kansas City on 5 February 2005. Photo: Jason Squires (modified by author)Source: Getty Images

Having a sense of humour makes life easy and worth living. Mitch Hedberg had a great sense of humour that came out through his jokes. Here are the comedian's funniest jokes.

Read also

Best Juice WRLD quotes and lyrics about love, life and death

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.

I think Bigfoot is blurry; that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.

I write jokes for a living, I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen, and I write it down. Or if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here, you throw this away.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish; they just want to make it late for something.

Read also

70+ funny text jokes for adults to send to your friends

Mitch Hedberg's best one-liners Mitch Hedberg (L), Max Weinberg and Stephen Lynch during Hedberg's and Lynch's comedy show on 16 October 2004 in New York City. Photo: Scott Gries (modified by author)Source: UGC

Jokes do not have to be long to be funny. They can be short and to the point. Below are short quotes by Mitch Hedberg to put a smile on your face.

A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.

You can't please all the people all the time, and last night, all those people were at my show.

If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink, but if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a non-alcoholic.

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.

I'm into carpooling because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

I know people who believe in ghosts but don't believe in themselves.

I got a smoke alarm at home, but really, it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.

If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have a very good posture.

Read also

Is Kenny Chesney gay? His previous relationships explored

Mitch Hedberg was one of the greatest comedians in America. The comedian might be dead, but his legacy lives. If you are looking for a good laugh, the above are the best Mitch Hedberg quotes, jokes and one-liners.

Legit.Ng published an article about communication quotes. Being in a relationship is one of the best feelings. Whether it's platonic or romantic, communication is the most crucial ingredient.

Communication is important in all aspects of life. Moreover, relationships work best when the parties involved can communicate well. Discover quotes about communication for you to strengthen your relationships.

Source: Legit.Ng

GloRilla Jokes That Her 90-Day Celibacy Resolution Is Having A Negative (But Predictable) Effect On Her Vision

We're now ten days into January 2024, which means many of us have already quit on our new year's resolutions. Others still seem to be holding strong, but maybe that resilience ain't all it's cracked up to be.

It seems that more than one rap star decided to take a vow of abstinence — at least, temporarily. And while 50 Cent says his resolution to do so is helping him avoid distractions, GloRilla is apparently starting to regret hers.

"Started my 90 day celibacy lil shit for new year's or wtv, I'm on da 9th day & my vision blurry af," she joked on Twitter. "Send help😭" When fellow raunchy Southern rapper Sexyy Red expressed empathy, she doubled down, cracking, "Bitch I been lost it I be having to take my sunglasses off just to hear."

For those who never heard of this, it appears Glo is referencing the old wives' superstition that too much …. Ahem… "self-love" can make one go blind — which, hey, it could be worse. They also warned us that we'd grow hair on our palms.

If that really is what she meant, that's a pretty clever way of saying that she's burning through her battery supply, but maybe it was also a little too clever; it seems the joke has flown over a lot of fans' heads.

Prayers up for Big Glo, and here's hoping her batteries hold out and long as she does.

---