The 100 Jokes That Shaped Modern Comedy
These Dad Jokes Are So Bad, They're Good
Did you hear about the guy who drank invisible ink? He's at the hospital waiting to be seen.
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener.
Is there anything worse than when it's raining cats and dogs? Yes, hailing taxis.
Thank you, thank you very much. We'll be here all week.
Admit it. You're laughing at our bad-but-oh-so-good dad jokes. We don't blame you. They're dumb, but darn funny too.
And guess what? We've got plenty more where those came from. In fact, we've got enough corny one-liners to keep the laughs coming all day long.
From funny puns to dad jokes for kids and adults, this collection of knee-slappers is your one-stop shopping for every occasion that calls for a bit of slapstick humor.
After all, no one does it better than dear old dad, the guy whose sole purpose in life is to entertain friends and family with his never ending supply of silly gags.
Before we get started, however, we mustache you a question: You ever wonder what the best way to catch a fish is? Have someone throw it to you.
If we've done our job, you're chuckling a little bit by now. So, read on and have your doctor on standby, because with this collection of dad jokes, you're about to be in stitches.
Funny dad jokes for all agesWhat do clouds wear beneath their pants? Thunderwear.
What kind of bagel can travel? A plain bagel.
When's the best time to call your dentist? Tooth-hurty.
What's the best way to catch a fish? Ask someone to throw it to you.
What do you call a cat with eight legs? An octo-puss.
Dad Jokes
What do you call an anxious fly? A jitterbug.
One did on potato chip say to the other? Let's go for a dip.
Why shouldn't you tell jokes to a duck? Because they'll quack up.
How did the piano get locked out of its car? It lost its keys.
Why did the orchestra get struck by lightning? It had a conductor.
What do you call a fake dad? A faux pas.
How do you make an eggroll? You push it.
I've never been a fan of facial hair. But now it's starting to grow on me.
Dad Jokes
Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory? Unfortunately, many soles were lost.
What do you call a pig who knows how to use a knife? A pork chop.
What kind of fish knows how to do an appendectomy? A Sturgeon.
How do you hire a horse? Put up a ladder.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water? Because it was a little horse.
Is there anything worse than when it's raining cats and dogs? Yes, hailing taxis.
Dad Jokes
How many apples can you grow on a tree? All of them.
My manager told me to have a good day. So I didn't go into work.
What do kids play when they have nothing else to do? Bored games.
What did the boy say to his fingers? I'm counting on you.
What kind of music do elves listen to? Wrap music.
What does cake and baseball have in common? They both need a batter.
When does Friday come before Thursday? In the dictionary.
What did the tree say when spring finally arrived? What a re-leaf.
How can you tell if a pig is hot? It's bacon.
Dad Jokes
Did you hear about the guy who afraid of hurdles? He got over it.
Why did the drum go to bed? It was beat.
What do you call a rude cow? Beef jerky.
Have you ever had a bad sausage? It's the wurst.
Did you hear about the guy who drank invisible ink? He's at the hospital waiting to be seen.
How do you get a squirrel's attention? Act like a nut.
Did you hear about the cat that ate a lemon? Now it's a sour puss.
What did one volcano say to the other? I lava you.
Why did the computer catch cold? It left a window open.
How do mice floss their teeth? With string cheese.
How do you cook an alligator? With a croc-pot.
What did the earthquake say when it was done? Sorry, my fault!
Dad Jokes
Why did the computer go to bed? It needed to crash.
What do you give the dentist of the year? A little plaque.
What should you do to help dry skin? Use a towel.
How can you tell when a comic passes gas? Something smells funny.
What kind of bug can tell time? A clock-roach.
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener.
What do pigs use to clean up? Hogwash.
What's a pirate's favorite letter? You'd think it's the "R," but it's really the "C."
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. Summer wasn't too bad either.
When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.
What's a zebra? A couple sizes bigger than an A.
Did you hear about the bossy man at the bar? He ordered everyone around.
Dad Jokes
Did you hear about the broken guitar for sale? It comes with no strings attached.
I wanted to take a bath, but decided to leave it where it is.
Once I read a book about glue. I couldn't put it down.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
Why'd the roofer go to the doctor? He had shingles.
Did you hear about the woman who couldn't stop collecting magazines? She had issues.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.
What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.
What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.
What's the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.
Dad Jokes
Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.
Where do armies belong? In your sleevies.
What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.
Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.
What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
Dad Jokes
Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.
Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.
What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.
Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.
What do you call a cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese!
How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!
Why did the girl bring a ladder on the bus? She wanted to go to high school.
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one.
Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggie.
Dad Jokes
How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.
What's more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.
Why shouldn't you trust trees? They seem shady.
How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.
What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music.
Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.
Dad Jokes
How do you get an astronaut's baby to stop crying? You rocket.
What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID.
Why shouldn't you play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.
How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card.
Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.
Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.
Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn't putting in enough shifts.
Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He's all right now.
Dad Jokes
Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!
What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.
What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved.
What did one wall say to the other? I'll meet you at the corner.
Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.
Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.
Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.
Why can't you trust a balloon? It's full of hot air.
Dad Jokes
A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!
Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That's just how eye roll.
Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn't peeling well.
Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop.
What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It's pasture bed time.
Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it's pointless.
Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.
Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store.
Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.
What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.
Dad Jokes
What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide.
How do you organize a space party? You planet.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.
What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.
What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.
Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn't see the ewe turn.
Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed.
What is a calendar's favorite food? Dates.
Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans.
Dad Jokes
Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs.
Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.
How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.
Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website.
What did the blanket say to the bed? I've got you covered.
What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one's on the house.
What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows
Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.
How do birds learn to fly? They wing it.
Dad Jokes
Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.
Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.
What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.
What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I'm coming down with something.
What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.
What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.
Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts.
Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.
Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.
Dad Jokes
What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.
What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints.
What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked.
What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.
What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.
Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.
What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.
How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.
Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field.
Dad Jokes
Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.
Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base.
What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let's stick together.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.
How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.
Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.
Can February March? No, but April May!
What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion.
Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!
Dad Jokes
Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.
What's a scarecrow's favorite fruit? Straw-berries
Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.
What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn.
Why was the broom late? It over-swept.
What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.
Where do books hide when they're afraid? Under their covers.
How do trees get on the internet? They log in.
What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.
What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk.
What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs.
Dad Jokes
How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch.
How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks.
What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms.
What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs.
Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.
What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese.
What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown.
Dad Jokes
What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say "cheese."
Why couldn't the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.
What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.
Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose.
What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.
How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.
What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.
What did one leaf say to the other? I'm falling for you.
Where's the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.
How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.
What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta.
Dad Jokes
Best dad jokes for adultsWhy did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.
Why do birds fly south? Because it's too far to walk.
What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.
Dogs can't operate MRI machines — but cats-can.
If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?
I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I'll have a grape.
Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water.
Dad Jokes
It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.
Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.
I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.
Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.
Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits.
Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change.
Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don't freeze their buns.
Why didn't the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.
What do you call someone who can't stick to a diet? A desserter.
Dad Jokes
Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.
Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean's bottom.
Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job.
I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.
Why can't you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.
I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn't find any.
Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.
I haven't talked to my wife in a week — I didn't want to interrupt her.
Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.
I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!
Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.
What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.
How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.
Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.
The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
This article was originally published on TODAY.Com
Cybersecurity Dad Jokes Are No Laughing Matter
Q: Why was the laptop cold?A: Because it left its Windows open
Q: Why don't computers like to be outside?A: There are too many bugs
Q: What's a computer's favorite snack?A: Microchips!
Q: Where did the cybersecurity team go?A: They ran-som-ware
Q: What's a hacker's favorite sport?A: Phishing!
Q: Why are emails so lonely?A: They are afraid of attachments
Q: Is your virus software running?A: Well you better go run after it!
Q: How was Forrest Gump's password cracked?A: Because 1Forrest1 was easy to guess
Q: What kind of leak can't be fixed by a plumber?A: A data leak
Q: Why did the password lack confidence?A: It was insecure
Humor is often used to talk about serious subjects - it can emphasize irony, serve as a coping mechanism or even be used as a way to bond with others. While the jokes above may seem harmless, it's important to remember that cybersecurity is a serious and important topic, and should only be used only in appropriate situations.
What exactly is cybersecurity anyway?Cybersecurity is the practice of protecting computer systems, networks, devices and data from theft, damage, unauthorized access or other forms of cyberattacks. It encompasses a wide range of technologies, processes and practices designed to safeguard digital information and ensure the confidentiality, integrity and availability of data. As you can see, there's a lot of terminology associated with cybersecurity but generally speaking, cybersecurity protects against digital attacks. Still unsure about what cybersecurity is? Learn more and dig deeper into the basics of cybersecurity.
5 reasons why cybersecurity is not a joking matter
How cybercrimes affect people over the age of 60
Over the last 5 years, a total of 3.26 million complaints and $27.6 billion in losses were reported to the Internet Crime Complaint Center. What's more, total losses reported by victims over the age of 60 increased 84% from 2021 to 2022; and overall, cryptocurrency-related losses reported by the elderly increased by 350%.
Trust-based investment scams represent the largest portion of losses for investment. This often happens when individuals are targeted online and involve a form of cryptocurrency, and the scammers aim to gain the person's trust and present a low-risk, high-yield investment opportunity. It can result in victims dipping into their retirement accounts and home equity, and many have lost their entire life savings as a result.
The FBI has identified ways to help identify this activity:
As you can see, there is a very serious side to cybersecurity. Luckily, AOL offers protection across multiple devices (computers, smartphones, tablets, etc.) with Data Secure by AOL. This all-in-one plan includes solutions for protection against viruses and malware, hackers phishing and keyloggers to help keep your sensitive data safe from online threats...And that's no joke.
55 Cheesy Valentine's Day Jokes Both Kids And Adults Will Love
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Valentine's Day is quickly approaching, and before you know it, the flowers you ordered months ago (hint: or right now) are going to be delivered to their doorstep and the outfit you've had picked out for weeks is going to be debuted at your amazing dinner reservation. Let's say you've already ordered his or her present, you've got all your V-Day decorations up around the house, and now what's left is planning what to tell them on the day of love. You have quite a few possibilities: Send them a heartfelt message, share with them a loving quote that captures how you feel, or entertain them with a hilarious (and most likely cheesy) Valentine's Day joke. Hopefully only the latter will leave them laughing in your face!
The majority of these jokes would leave an elementary school student in stitches, and they're sure to get at least a chuckle out of your Valentine, no matter their age—even if it's just a sympathy giggle. If you're dead set on becoming the person who only tells bad but lovable dad jokes, you'll probably fall in love with this list.
While a sweet quote translates well on paper, a joke can be a winner in basically any medium. Whether you're sharing them with your class full of students or using one to break the ice with a baddie at the bar, we have a good feeling it'll land! Read below to find an array of cheesy, fun Valentine's Day jokes to get in on those love-filled laughs.
Best Valentine's Day Dad Jokesmanonallard - Getty Images
"Why do skunks love Valentine's Day?" "Because they're scent-ual!"
"Do you know what they say about vampire romances?" "It was love at first bite."
"What did one grizzly say to the other?" "I love you bear-y much."
"Who always has a date for Valentine's Day?" "A calendar."
"What did one row boat ask the other?" "Are you down for a little row-mance?"
"What kind of dinner should you eat on Valentine's Day?" "A heart-y one."
"What do the French give each other for Valentine's Day?" "A big quiche."
"What did one tortoise say when the other one asked it to be their Valentine?" "Turt-ally."
"What did one Hershey's bar say to the other when they arrived 15 minutes past their reservation time?" "You're choco-late."
"How would you describe a colorful heart that has a collection of books?" "Well-red."
"What did one piece of toast say to the other?" "You're my butter half."
"How did the teen girl describe her goalie-boyfriend?" "As a real keeper."
"What did the calculator say to the pen?" "You can count on me."
"Why did the two scientists end up together?" "They had real chemistry."
"Why shouldn't you ask a pastry chef to be your Valentine?" "He'll dessert you."
"Why did the man get arrested?" "He stole his date's heart."
"Why did Cupid pick up an artichoke from the farmer's market?" "It's got a good heart."
"What did magnet say to the refrigerator?" "I find you very attractive."
"Why did the melons have to get married in a church?" "Because they cantelope."
"What do you call someone who falls ill on Valentine's Day?" "Lovesick."
"What did the sheep say to his Valentine?" "I love ewe."
lisegagne - Getty Images
"Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Olive." "Olive who?" "Olive you!"
"Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Al." "Al who?" "Al be your Valentine if you'll be mine."
"Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Frank." "Frank who?" "Frank you for being my Valentine."
"Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Peas." "Peas who?" "Peas be my Valentine."
"Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Kiss." "Kiss who?" "Me, silly!"
"Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Arthur." "Arthur who?" "Arthur any Valentine's gifts for me?"
"Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Water." "Water who?" "Water you doing on Valentine's Day?"
"Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Russian." "Russian who?" "I'm Russian to be your Valentine."
"Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Wendy." "Wendy who?" "Wendy you want to go on a date?"
"Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Pizza." "Pizza who?" "You have a pizza my heart."
"Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Soda." "Soda who?" "Soda you want to be my Valentine?"
"Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Boo." "Boo who?" "Will you stop crying if I ask you to be my Valentine?"
FOTOGRAFIA INC. - Getty Images
"Of course I have a date for Valentine's Day—it's February 14."
"Did you hear about the bedbugs who just got engaged? They're getting married in the spring!"
"Do you know Cupid's favorite classic rock band? It's Heart."
"Two antennae got married last Valentine's Day. I'm unsure about the ceremony, but I heard the reception was great!"
"Is your name Chapstick? Because I think you're da balm."
"Do you know what my shirt is made of? Wife/Husband material."
"Loving you is like having a pair of dentures—I can't smile without you!"
"If we were cats, I'd want to spend all of our nine lives together."
"If you were a triangle, you'd be a-cute one."
"You're like water—I need you to survive."
"If you were in a deck of cards, you'd be the queen of my heart."
"No need to pay rent this month—you're living in my mind rent-free."
"Is your name Autumn? Because I am falling for you."
"I bought you a latte, because words cannot espresso what you mean to me."
"You must be a volcano, because I lava you."
"I just got off the phone with the police—I told them you stole my heart."
"You remind me of Star Wars, because Yoda only one for me."
"I tried to warp up how much I love you, but they don't make gift boxes that big."
"My dentist just called—she said you've given me a cavity because you're so sweet."
"Roses are red, violets are blue. I'm so happy I swiped right on you."
"If you were an angle, you'd be a 90 degree one, because this just feels right."
"You look like you could use some vitamin me."
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