nose jokes :: Article Creator275 Best Dad Jokes To Tickle Everyone's Funny Bone
Got dad jokes? Well, you do now.
This comprehensive collection of corny gags and cringey puns is your one-stop shop for every kind of funny joke you might be in the market for.
For instance, how do you organize a space party? You planet, of course.
Or, did you hear the one about the two rowboats that got into an argument? Apparently, it was an oar-deal.
What about the kidnapping at school? Good news, they woke him up.
You see what we mean? These dad jokes are super bad, but in absolutely all of the best ways.
Whether you've come seeking material for open mic night at the comedy club or are keeping your pals entertained with this arsenal of funny one-liners, we've got a supply of zingers that are guaranteed to deliver all the laughs — and the eye rolls — that you're looking for.
The best part is that all of these jokes are clean and, with the exception of a few dark humor jokes, perfectly safe for your family or coworkers.
So, sit back and relax. All you need to do to prepare for this collection of silly gags is clear the aisles, because you and your crew are about to be rolling in them.
Funny dad jokes
Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "Any idea how to drive this thing?" What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot. I don't tell dad jokes that often. But when I do, he usually laughs. What's the best way to get the hospital after breaking your foot? With a tow truck. Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four it would be a sedan. 
What did the pirate say on his birthday? "Aye, matey!" I was going to tell a sodium joke, then I thought, "Na." What's a witch's favorite subject in school? Spelling. Why are frogs good at baseball? They know how to catch fly balls. What's the easiest building to lift? A lighthouse. 
Why do sweaters tend to hang out together? They're pretty close-knit. Why did the zombie take a nap? He was dead tired. Did you hear about the archeologist that got fired? Now his career is in ruins. What did the buffalo say to her son on the first day of school? "Bison." Why do ducks have feathers on their tales? To hide their butt-quacks. Best dad jokes
Why shouldn't you tell secrets in a cornfield? There are too many ears all around. What kind of underpants do lawyers wear? Briefs. What do you call it when a cow grows facial hair? A moo-stache. Did you hear about the two rowboats that got into an argument? It was an oar-deal. Did you hear about the cleaners who went to space? They ended up scrubbing the mission. 
What did the beach say when the tide came in? Long time no sea. Why do turkeys play percussion? They have drumsticks. There are only two things I don't eat for breakfast: Lunch and dinner. I adopted a dog from a blacksmith. As soon as I brought him home, he made a bolt for the door. 
How much does it cost to swim with sharks? An arm and a leg. What did one toilet say to the other? You appear a bit flushed. Why are most people tired on April 1? They've just finished a 31-day March. How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it. Why did the rabbit go to the salon? It was having a bad hare day. 
Where do birds stay when they travel? Someplace cheep. I enjoy telling bad puns. That's just how eye roll. What should you do if your puppy isn't feeling well? Take him to the dog-tor. Why can't leopards play hide-and-seek? Because they're always spotted. What kind of felines can bowl? Alley cats. Why did the man bring his watch to the bank? He wanted to save time. Where do penguins go to vote? The North Poll. 
How do you make a robot angry? Keep pushing his buttons. What's the best way to make a bandstand? Take away their chairs. How do you light up a sports stadium? With a soccer match. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? They woke him up. I told a bad chemistry joke once. I got no reaction. 
Why did the cow go to Hollywood? To be in the moo-vies. Did you hear about the cat that ate a lemon? Now it's a sour puss. How do mice floss their teeth? With string cheese. What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher What did one wall say to the other? I'll meet you at the corner. 
What do clouds wear beneath their pants? Thunderwear. What kind of bagel can travel? A plain bagel. When's the best time to call your dentist? Tooth-hurty. What's the best way to catch a fish? Ask someone to throw it to you. What do you call a cat with eight legs? An octo-puss. 
What do you call an anxious fly? A jitterbug. One did on potato chip say to the other? Let's go for a dip. Why shouldn't you tell jokes to a duck? Because they'll quack up. How did the piano get locked out of its car? It lost its keys. Why did the orchestra get struck by lightning? It had a conductor. What do you call a fake dad? A faux pas. How do you make an eggroll? You push it. I've never been a fan of facial hair. But now it's starting to grow on me. 
Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory? Unfortunately, many soles were lost. What do you call a pig who knows how to use a butcher knife? A pork chop. What kind of fish knows how to do an appendectomy? A Sturgeon. How do you hire a horse? Put up a ladder. Why did the pony ask for a glass of water? Because it was a little horse. Is there anything worse than when it's raining cats and dogs? Yes, hailing taxis. Bad dad jokes
How many apples can you grow on a tree? All of them. My manager told me to have a good day. So I didn't go into work. What do kids play when they have nothing else to do? Bored games. What did the boy say to his fingers? I'm counting on you. What kind of music do elves listen to? Wrap music. Why aren't lobsters generous? Because they're shellfish. Where do sheep go on vacation? The Baaaa-hamas. I just flew in from California. Boy, are my arms tired! Where did people hang out during medieval times? At knight clubs. Why did the employee go work in stilts? He wanted a raise. What do cake and baseball have in common? They both need a batter. When does Friday come before Thursday? In the dictionary. What did the tree say when spring finally arrived? What a re-leaf. How can you tell if a pig is hot? It's bacon. 
Did you hear about the guy who afraid of hurdles? He got over it. Why did the drum go to bed? It was beat. What do you call a rude cow? Beef jerky. Did you hear about the guy who drank invisible ink? He's at the hospital waiting to be seen. How do you get a squirrel's attention? Act like a nut. What did one volcano say to the other? I lava you. Why did the computer catch cold? It left a window open. How do you cook an alligator? With a croc-pot. What did the earthquake say when it was done? Sorry, my fault! 
Why did the computer go to bed? It needed to crash. What do you give the dentist of the year? A little plaque. What causes dry skin? A towel. I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn't find any. How can you tell when a comic passes gas? Something smells funny. What kind of bug can tell time? A clock-roach. Why shouldn't you trust trees? They seem shady. What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits. Stupid dad jokes
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener. What do pigs use to clean up? Hogwash. What's a pirate's favorite letter? You'd think it's the "R," but it's really the "C." What's a zebra? A couple sizes bigger than an A. Did you hear about the bossy man at the bar? He ordered everyone around. 
Did you hear about the broken guitar for sale? It comes with no strings attached. I wanted to take a bath, but decided to leave it where it is. A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?" Why'd the roofer go to the doctor? He had shingles. Did you hear about the woman who couldn't stop collecting magazines? She had issues. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. Summer wasn't too bad either. What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh. What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words. What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. 
Corny dad jokes
What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck. What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt. What's the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire. Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly. 
Once I read a book about glue. I couldn't put it down. Where do armies belong? In your sleevies. What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me. Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get a crown. What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back. Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood. What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold. 
What do you call a cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese! What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies! Why did the girl bring a ladder on the bus? She wanted to go to high school. Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one. Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggie. Have you ever had a bad sausage? It's the wurst. 
What's more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste. Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice. Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling. Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean's bottom. How do you get an astronaut's baby to stop crying? You rocket. Why shouldn't you play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs. 
What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe. How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card. Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems. Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools. Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn't putting in enough shifts. Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He's all right now. 
Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space. What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy! What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette. What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved. Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on. Dumb dad jokes
Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth. A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere! Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop. Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog. 
What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It's pasture bed time. Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it's pointless. Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby. Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store. What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad. 
What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide. How do you organize a space party? You planet. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles. What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater. What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose. Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn't see the ewe turn. Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed. What is a calendar's favorite food? Dates. 
Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel. Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs. Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind. When is a door not a door? When it's ajar. How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe. Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website. What did the blanket say to the bed? I've got you covered. What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one's on the house. What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack. How do birds learn to fly? They wing it. 
Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts. Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road. What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane. What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I'm coming down with something. What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty. How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent. How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut. What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes. Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts. Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough. Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales. 
What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law. What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints. What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked. What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light. What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead. Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad. What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs. How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark. Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights. Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field. 
Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long. Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base. What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let's stick together. Best dad jokes for kids
What's brown and sticky? A stick. How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator. What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper. How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch. Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. Can February March? No, but April May! 
What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion. Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it! What's a scarecrow's favorite fruit? Straw-berries Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball. What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn. Why was the broom late? It over-swept. What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree. 
Where do books hide when they're afraid? Under their covers. How do trees get on the internet? They log in. What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat. What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me. What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck. What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs. 
How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch. What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks. What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms. What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs. Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado. Why can't you trust a balloon? It's full of hot air. What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese. What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown. How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans. 
What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train. How do you get a mouse to smile? Say "cheese." Why couldn't the bike stand up on its own? It was two-tired. What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop. Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose. What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot. How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning. 
What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm. What did one leaf say to the other? I'm falling for you. Where's the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market. How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side. What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta. Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk. Best dad jokes for adults
Why do birds fly south? Because it's too far to walk. What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly. Dogs can't operate MRI machines — but cats-can. Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school. If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness? I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I'll have a grape. Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water. 
It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers. Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself. I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one. Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust. Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway. Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change. Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don't freeze their buns. Why didn't the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees. What do you call someone who can't stick to a diet? A desserter. 
Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam. Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack. What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job. I used to be a banker, but I lost interest. Why can't you trust an atom? Because they make up everything. Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing. I haven't talked to my wife in a week — I didn't want to interrupt her. Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road. 
I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed! Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play. What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips. How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker. Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after. The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense. Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn't a good fit. What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk. Red Nose Day: Finish The Joke!
Red Nose Day is fast approaching and it's definitely time for a little 'Comic Relief'!
Play the quiz at the top of the page and see if you can guess the punchlines to some of our favourite jokes! 🤩
Have you heard of any of these already? Maybe you think you can come up with a better punchline for them? 🤔
Or do you even have some brilliant jokes of your own that you're desperate to share with us in the comments?! We can't wait to read them! 😂
Ariz. Resident Finds Piece Of Lego Stuck Up Their Nose Nearly 3 Decades After Putting It There As A Child
"I can breathe out of this side of my nose now, and it's fantastic," Andi Norton said on Instagram after finding the toy that had been lodged in their nostril
Ben Havoc/Instagram
Andi Norton found a piece of Lego that had been stuck up their nose for over 25 years
Arizona resident Andi Norton, 32, faced quite a surprise when they blew their nose in the shower and dislodged a Lego piece that was stuck in their nostril for 26 years
Norton tells PEOPLE, "My initial though with the thing flying out was that I had somehow hurt myself, or blown out a mass of something that wasn't supposed to come out. The sound it made my initial thought was it was rock or maybe a tooth?"
"I'm shooketh," they admitted on Instagram, revealing they were planning to take the Lego piece to their doctor
An Arizona resident was met with an unexpected surprise when they blew their nose in the shower recently.
Andi Norton, 32, who also goes by the name Ben Havoc, explained in an Instagram clip shared on Sept. 2 that they'd shoved a Lego piece up their nose when they were age "six or so" in the '90s. However, despite their mom previously thinking she'd got it out, it turned out that a piece of it remained in Norton's nostril for the next 26 years, and they only just realized it was there.
"My doctor has told me, with the dry hot summer months, it's really helpful to blow your nose while you're in the shower, because the humidity of the steam and everything," Norton shared in the clip.
Related: Lego Advent Calendars Have Landed at Amazon — Grab Them Now Before They Sell Out
"It really helps kind of clear everything out," they added, saying they'd been "regularly doing this for the last six months or so."
"My whole life I've had sinus sensitivity, allergies, and issues with congestion," the social media user told Newsweek. "Since I am allergic to cats, dogs, grass, many of the native trees and dust, and I've always been exposed to one or more of these things, I lived my life assuming any congestion issues were just simply caused by the allergies."
Norton, who also shared a snap of the Lego piece on Reddit, tells PEOPLE, "My initial thought with the thing flying out was that I had somehow hurt myself, or blown out a mass of something that wasn't supposed to come out. The sound it made my initial thought was it was rock or maybe a tooth?"
They add that "After cleaning it off, the way the Lego memory came rushing back to me was kind of like the movie Rattatouille when the food critic gets transported in his mind to his childhood. I immediately had to show my partners!"
Ben Havoc/Instagram
Andi Norton
Related: Why Are Thousands of Lego Pieces Washing Up on Beaches? The Answer Lies in a 1997 Cargo Ship Spill (Exclusive)
While speaking in the aforementioned Instagram clip, Norton revealed they'd had "multiple breathing issues" through the years, such as asthma and sleep apnea and they think the Lego piece "has been the culprit for the last 26 years of my life."
"I'm shooketh," they admitted on Instagram, revealing they were planning to take the Lego piece to their doctor.
"I can breathe out of this side of my nose now, and it's fantastic," Norton said. "I haven't been able to do that since I was a child."
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Ben Havoc/Instagram
Andi Norton
They said that as a child, their mom had grabbed a pair of tweezers at the time and fished out the Lego head they'd put up their nose in a bid to make a Lego man and try and pull the whole thing out.
"The Lego head popped off, so that was also stuck in my nose," Norton recalled of the Lego rescue attempt.
"Honestly, it felt like a plug came out and I had a great rush of relief," Norton told Newsweek of finding the toy after so long, admitting they're planning to hold on to it as a "silly keepsake," per the publication.
"I had no idea this was going to get so big," Norton tells PEOPLE of the responses to the story on social media. "My partners said I should post the story just for a funny laugh, because it's so far out there that all you really can do to react is laugh. The original Reddit post hit 4 million views before a mod had to move it since it no longer fit the r/mildlyinteresting category- this was far too interesting! It's become such a silly joke now with all my friends and family, all poking lighthearted fun about it."
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