10 funniest jokes :: Article Creator150 Funny Jokes To Have Up Your Sleeve, Guaranteed To Have You Laughing All Day Long
Ok ok, so we're not claiming to be Ed Gamble or James Acaster, but sometimes you just need a funny joke up your sleeve. Maybe a first date just got a bit awkward and you need a a classic dad joke, or you're trying to make your niece laugh with a knock knock joke. Or maybe you need to help a friend cheer up, or you've just been approached by one of those TikTokers shouting "If you make me laugh I will buy you a car."
Here are 150 funny jokes to have up your sleeve, for when you really need a laugh even if you do think they're a bit cringe.
One liner jokes
How do you know if a vampire is unwell? Because he'll be coffin
Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand shops
Why did the bicycle collapse? It was too tyred
What kind of music do bubbles hate? Pop
Why did the hairdresser win the race? He knew a shortcut
How did the picture end up in prison? It was framed
What do solicitors wear to work? Lawsuits
Why did the bullet lose its job? It got fired
Why can't a toe be 12 inches long? Then it'd be a foot
Want to hear a joke about a roof? The first one's on the house
What does a house wear?Address!
What did one wall say to the other? "I'll meet you at the corner"
Why is grass so dangerous? It's full of blades
What's orange and sounds like a carrot? A parrot
Why do French people eat snails? They don't like fast food
Where do hamburgers and hot dogs go dancing? A meatball
They just log on!
Sign language
What's America's favourite soda? Mini soda
Why shouldn't you trust atoms? Because they make up everything
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? She'll let it go
What kind of music do planets like? Neptunes
What did one hat say to the other? You stay here. I'll go on ahead.
Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands
How do you follow a book? You track their footnotes
What's the biggest problem with snow boots? They melt
What tree can fit in your hand? A palm tree
Why are astronauts so clean? They take meteor showers
Why are ghosts bad liars? They're totally see through
Haven't we metaphor?
You will be mist
How does the ocean say hi? It waves
How did the art competition end? In a draw
Corny jokes
Why did the bike fall over? It was two tired
Where can you buy soup in bulk? The stock market
What's brown and sticky? A stick
Why do bees have sticky hair? They use honeycombs
Sea monsters have been known to eat what? Fish and ships
What do you call a vicar who becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law
What kind of cheese doesn't belong to you? Nacho cheese
How did the phone propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring
Which month of the year has 28 days? Um all of them
Why was the broom late to work? It over-swept
What does a pig use in the shower? Hog wash
So why don't ants get sick? They have anty-bodies
What did the drummer call his daughters? Anna 1, Anna 2
Why do computers overheat? They need to vent
What goes up and down but doesn't actually move? Stairs
Food jokes
What do PHD students eat when they're hungry? Academia nuts
Why should you always knock before opening the fridge door? In case there's a salad dressing
Why couldn't the sesame seed stop talking? He was on a roll
Why do prawns never share? Because they're shellfish
What did the cheese say to himself in the mirror? Halloumi!
What do you call a drunk parsnip? A steaming vegetable
Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fungi
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because he lost his filling
What did one pickle say to the other? Dill with it
What food is never on time? Choco-late!
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta
How much room should you give to the funghi? As mushroom as you can
What do you call a cup of coffee with a pair of trousers in it? A cupachinos
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? Gourdgeous
How does Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon
What nuts always seem to have a cold? Cashews
Why did the M&M want to go to school? He wanted to be a Smartie
Elvis Parsley
What is the favourite fruit of twins? Pears
What do you give to cure a sick lemon? Lemon aid
What would you call a peanut in space? An astronut
I could tell you a pizza joke… But it would probably be cheesy
What happens when a walnut laughs heavily? It cracks up
Excuse me sir, will my pizza be long? Why no, it'll be round
What sweet treat is never on time? Choco-late
What's the saddest fruit? A blueberry
Where did the lettuce go for a drink? The salad bar
Animal jokes
Why do fish live in salt water? Pepper makes them sneeze
What are spiders really good at? Surfing the web
What do you call a magic dog? A labracadabrador
How does a farmer keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator
What do you call an alligator detective? Where would you find a giraffe? Why don't they play cards in the jungle? What social events do spiders love to attend? What do you get from a pampered cow? Why aren't koalas considered bears? What do you call a well-balanced horse? What do you call a bear with no teeth? What's the smartest insect? Where do cows go on Friday nights? How do you make a baby snake cry? What do you call a chicken that makes jokes? What are caterpillars scared of? Why didn't the lion win the race? Why did the bee get married? Why can't the leopard hide? What kind of jacket does an octopus wear? What sort of sandals do frogs wear? I was told I needed to stop acting like a flamingo... What do you call a goat who paints pictures? Why are mice afraid of swimming? What do you call a singer with a laptop on her head? When is a door not a door? What do toilets do when they're embarrassed? How do you organise a space-themed party? Why do pancakes always win at cricket? Why did the robot arrive at the event so tired? What do runners eat before a race? How do you stop an astronaut's toddler from crying? What do you call an unpredictable camera? Why shouldn't you use a broken pencil? What did the policeman say to his nipple? Why couldn't the sailor learn the alphabet? Why was Cinderella so bad at rugby? What did the dentist win at the competition? What do you call a skeleton with only a head? What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? Why do ghosts like to take the lift? What do you call a patronising bear? Why did the scarecrow win an award? Why didn't the skeleton never go on dates? Do you want to hear a construction joke? Why doesn't Dracula have any friends? What do you call a guy who's really loud? What do you call a retired vegetable? Why shouldn't you marry a calendar? Why do barbers make good drivers? What do you call a detective that accidentally solves the case? What's it called when you have too many aliens? What should you do if you're cold? What does a clock do when it's hungry? Why did Shakespeare always write with a pen? What does one eye say to the other eye? What was Forrest Gump's email password? Why should you never trust stairs? What's the spookiest kind of author? What did the comedian say to Harry Potter? Why do we tell actors to 'break a leg'? What's an astronaut's favourite part of a keyboard? Did you hear about the people who stole a calendar? Why is it hard to eat near basketball players? Did you hear about the actor falling through the floorboards? Did you hear about the group ski trip? Why did you decide to get rid of your vacuum? This is my step-ladder… I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I was going to take a bath… A bossy man walked into a bar… Kenyans Need To Chill! 10 Of The Funniest Knock Knock Jokes Trending In Kenya Right Now
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Darren Walsh Scoops 'funniest Joke Of The Fringe'
A joke by comedian Darren Walsh in his first full-length Edinburgh set has been voted the funniest at this year's fringe festival.
From his show Punderbolt, the winning line was: "I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free".
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A excerpt from the set by winner of the funniest joke of the Fringe 2015
Walsh's joke had almost a quarter of the 2,000 public votes from a shortlist of one-liners chosen by a judging panel of 10 comedy critics in the competition run by television channel Dave.
The comedian, from Peterborough, said: "I am delighted to win this award. What a punderful feeling. Thanks Dave."
Also featuring in the top ten funniest jokes of the Fringe is a one-liner by 12-year-old Grace The Child, making her the youngest comedian in the award's eight year history to appear in the shortlist.
Dave's Top 10 Funniest Jokes from the Fringe Festival 2015 1. "I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free" – Darren Walsh 2. "Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse... But enough about Kanye West" – Stewart Francis 3. "Surely every car is a people carrier?" – Adam Hess 4. "What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter" – Masai Graham 5. "If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn't go" – Dave Green 6. "Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas" – Mark Nelson 7. "Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day" – Tom Parry =8. "The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves" – Alun Cochrane =8. "Clowns divorce. Custardy battle" – Simon Munnery 10. "They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for..." – Grace The Child
Previous winners of the award include Stewart Francis, Zoe Lyons, Nick Helm and Tim Vine, who last year became the only comedian to have earned the title twice.
Steve North, General Manager of Dave, said: "The Fringe is renowned for being the best place to spot new and emerging comedy talent, and although there are some returning contenders in our top 10 this year, there is a high volume of new talent which is very exciting to see."
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